Happy Finniversary To Me

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It is incredible that today marks three years since my legal name change to Mr Finlay Games. This time 3 years ago, I’d been out living publically as a transgender male for just over a month and I was both elated and petrified all at the same time. The new realisation that I was transgender answered questions I had been asking for a lifetime. However, as amazing as it was to finally be able to make sense of the years of confusion, I wanted and wished desperately, that I could just shut the lid on the proverbial ‘Pandora’s box, I had just opened.

 

I was just over a year and 7 months into recovery at the time, for drugs and alcohol and mental health. It was still really early days in learning to live life without having anxiety attacks, severe lows, and suicidal thoughts and without resorting to self-harming, starving or binging and without drink and drugs to numb the pain that I experienced on a daily basis. Beginning recovery with the help of the 12 step programme had allowed me finally to take hold of the reins of life and begin to find healthy ways to cope. In my new mission of self-discovery prompted by my recovery, discovering I was transgender was a big answer, but it also posed such a danger. How on earth would I deal with the stress of coming out as male? What if my family disowned me or my partner abandoned me? What if society shunned me, what if my new found recovery community didn’t accept me? The wait for help was so long, how on earth would I cope? Things had been going so well and this discovery brought up so much fear that I might lose all that, I was in inner turmoil and conflict and it all felt so bitter sweet.

I knew I couldn’t shut the lid of the box, once you truly know something, you cannot ‘unknow’ it, no matter how hard you try. Besides the pain of remaining where I was, was far becoming greater than the fear of what might happen. I knew that to do nothing would just as likely cause the relapse I feared. I had no choice, at least no ‘good’ choice; I just had to take the leap of faith.

At just over month out at time of name change, none of that had yet happened, my family had taken it well and my recovery community were being incredibly supportive. I came out to my partner in the November, so by the time of my name change they had known for about 4 months and contrary to my expectation, had not left me.   Still, it was early days and a big ask for a lesbian (at the time) to adjust. My legal name change marked a significant milestone and a statement to all that this was really happening. It was both exhilarating and terrifying all at once.

I remember sitting in a café with my then best friend, as I signed my ten certified copies with him as a witness, to be sent out to notify various places, such as my bank and so on. It felt incredibly surreal as I legally signed the agreement to ‘denounce the use of my birth name from this moment forth’. I remember I used the phrase…”oh my god”…quite a lot over that coffee meeting. I still, at that point, couldn’t be 100% sure that what I was doing was right. I was as sure as I could be, I knew that to be 100% sure I had to move from thinking to doing, live life as the man I felt myself to be, only that would give me the clarity and certainty I needed.

Reflecting back on this today makes me smile. I look back at that memory of me with such fondness and respect for that scared and unsure boy I once was. It is only now, in hindsight, that I truly appreciate the faith and courage that took. I had no idea what the future would be. All I knew was that I was unhappy, incomplete and I wanted an end to feeling like that. My instincts were telling me that my answer was to transition , I had done all the research and soul searching I could, now I just had to take that leap of faith and find out if I was right. As they say, if nothing changes nothing changes.

Now, three years later, my life is more wonderful than I could have ever contemplated back then. It’s hard to imagine how I ever could have doubted that I am male, and that transition was right for me. It’s also hard to remember what it felt like to see the world so limited when now it is so vast that sometimes my inability to see the edges scares the heck out of me. I still consider myself to be in early days of both my recovery and my transition, I still have a few years left before my transition is ‘complete’, but already my life is beyond my wildest dreams.

I try to pass this on to other people in the early process of change, whether that’s change in terms of gender transition or in terms of addiction recovery, that things will get better, in ways that you can’t even imagine right now.  It is hard to see in the dark, and that’s why it’s important to find fellow travellers who have gone a little further so that they can bring back a little light to help guide you until you find your own.

Thank you to everyone that lent me their light.

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5 thoughts on “Happy Finniversary To Me

  1. Finn!! I am so glad I can stalk you in so many places now. It keeps me active. Haha. Honestly, I saw this on fb and didn’t know the link came here, but so glad it did. What powerful words you place on pages!!

    As I read this, having gone back and watched your journey from the first video, it flooded those steps you took back. I am not even thru them all as of yet either.

    I relate to you so well. I am so, so, so incredibly new on my journey, only talking about it. I too have asked, is this really my truth, what if, what if, what if.

    I just drink in as much inspiration as I can from you and others who make these steps so boldly in view. Thank you, Mr. Games.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Ah how wonderful to be stalked by you here! Always makes my day to see your comments, no matter where they are!

      Yes this is a new place for me, my vlogging and blogging is evolving! Since starting up my tumblr, Ive begun to write more, so I thought I would put my longer writings in a more suitable space. Im attempting to (slowly!) write a book. Not sure if I will ever actually manage too…but id like too! Im hoping that what I write here will help me to get a manuscript together.

      Regarding your relating, I love special dates as they make me reflect really deeply on how things were and just how far Ive come. It is so hard in the beginning to trust yourself, the answer seems to huge that its impossible to believe you are not kidding yourself in some way. And its hugeness is made even more scary for fear of choosing wrong…how can you know for sure??!

      Small steps each day, small risks, all add up to eventually knowing for sure one way or another.

      For me, coming out and announcing my new name was the first big risk. from that point on, every time I was called he and Finn it made me grin from ear to ear and every time I was called she I just wanted to vanish into nothingness. That was my answer.

      Keep drinking and sharing and connecting my friend and one day it will all make sense and all doubt will vanish 🙂

      Like

      1. Brilliant….to steal from you. A book would be fantastic! Finn, you have such a gift…you hold an audience. It doesn’t matter if it’s your videos, tumblr, or now, with words, you have an amazing gift of being a terrific communicater.

        I saw on fb (I believe, as we have established. I STALK you all places so I can’t be sure where this was. Haha) where you did a speaking gig. I wish I had been in the audience, even if we didn’t chat afterwards. The reason? You deliver a positive light energy that is so refreshing.

        There has not been one video or one piece by you that I didn’t personally feel motivated and happy to pursue my authentic self!!

        Public speaking…I think you have a gift. Or if it’s a book, can it be titled “Finn!!” ? 🙂 Just kidding of course, that’s a T Shirt. Lol

        There is that reality show on you and Drew….man I would tune into that…I want the world to see the power and depth of love you two lads encompass. Is lad offensive btw? I hope not. Never my intent.

        I am so happy I stumbled upon you via you tube. You are such a blessing, never forget it!

        Side note…I out reached to a local support group and the guy wrote me back. His name is Finn Jones. Mind you, I had never heard Finn, prior to you. I saw “Finn” in my email mailbox and thought, wow I’ve never gotten notice when Finn replied to me before”…bit of a blonde moment. Haha.

        Alright, I’ve kept you long enough. Carry on, Mr. Games.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. That means so much to me, it really is who I hope I am, someone who can educate and inspire. I really want my future to be one where I can be of help to others, of course I need to make a living from it too, so I am following all avenues, my psychology training, vlogging, writing and most recently giving a live talk. That was incredible! Scary…but incredible! I would love to do more of those. I am just trying to work out where it all fits and how it fits. Ive been led this far by my higher power and I believe if I keep listening and watching and following then I will end up where i am supposed to be.

        I dont mind being called lad! Its mostly how I feel! I am still to feel my age….and not quite there yet!

        Awesome you have another Finn in your life! We are a good bunch it seems 😉

        Thank you for reminding me with every single one of your messages that I am giving in the way I hoped I am 🙂

        Like

  2. You are so welcome. Feedback is awesome, isn’t it? How do you know your success, impact, plunders…without it?

    I try to apply feedback good and bad in my work and marriage. I am more than happy to give you the accolades you deserve to keep making goodness happen my friend!

    Liked by 1 person

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