This blog is part of the #354daysofselfcare challenge
Self-care is allowing yourself to face difficult feelings
I love making YouTube videos. I find the process really cathartic and when you all share back with me, it helps me to recognise and make sense of things. This week l have found myself feeling a lot of sadness about mum and her diagnosis.
This has been prompted, ironically but understandably, by feeling so happy. Having met a wonderful man and beginning a new relationship. I really want to share my happiness with mum. However, she likely will not be able to communicate with me about it or relate properly to Chris if I introduce him to her.
I think this, combined with the fact that it was Fathers Day last Sunday, has just brought home the fact that sadly both my parents are now gone. Yes mum is still here, but in the same way, she also isn’t here. The dementia has taken the mum I know away and my Dad died when I was 13.
I’m a late bloomer. I’ve often say I’ve only been alive for 7 years and really is true. It was only when I started my journey of recovery in 2010, at the age of 37, that I began to make something of my life. This means I am doing everything at a later age. Discovering myself, developing my career, finding a relationship. This means that of course my Dad has missed all of this and unfortunately my mum is not going to be able to witness and share in any of it in any meaningful way.
The rush of sadness over the last few days is likely due to a bit of denial on my part. I think I’ve been squashing all this down as I really do not know how to deal with grieving for a person who is simultaneously here but not here. After initially thinking there would be little point in introducing Chris to mum, I realise that actually it may be the best thing I can do. Not so much for mum, but for myself, so that it helps me to begin to find ways to grieve for the gradual loss of mum.
I have learnt over time, that as much as it hurts to sit with pain, it really is the only way to move through it and heal.