Love Is A Doing Word – Day 97 and 98 of #365daysofselfcare

This blog is part of the #365daysofselfcare challenge

Self-care is choosing to give our hearts to people who show their love for us in action and not just in words.

IMG_20180805_131339_882.jpgLove is such a powerful emotion, it’s hard to stay mindful with such strong feelings but the stronger the emotion, the more aware you must be.
I have a history of poor relationship choices. I was in such a poor emotional and mental state that I  often left myself open to being hurt and mistreated. In recovery, I have learned to be more discerning about who I open my heart and give my love too.
Love can be such an easy word to say, but without action it is meaningless. As the saying goes, ‘Love is a doing word.’ In assessing my connections with people now, I listen less to what they say and focus more on what they do. It is in peoples actions that you find their true feelings and intentions.
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Coping With New People – Day 95 and 96 of #365daysofselfcare 

This blog is part of the #365daysofselfcare challenge

Self-care is reminding yourself that everyone in your social circle, was once a new person to you

Picture_20180803_150317523Social anxiety makes it difficult to socialize at the best of times and even more so with people you don’t know. My social anxiety, in general, is much improved. However, l do still get anxious about meeting new people.
This is especially the case when those new people are connected to someone l care deeply about. This week, I have had the new relationship friends and family tour and, have felt the extra pressure, from myself, for them to like me.
I had to step up my positive affirmations and remind myself of a few important things when it comes to meeting new folk. That you can only be yourself, that you cannot force anyone to like you, that other people are often just as anxious about wanting to be liked as you are, and, most importantly, that new people are only new once.

Taking Action – Day 93 to 94 of #365daysofselfcare

This blog is part of the #365daysofselfcare challenge.

Self-care means knowing when to stop reflecting and start acting

IMG_20180801_191229_442Self-care is sometimes doing something self-soothing and protecting, and other times it’s pushing yourself to do something which, while scary, will benefit you in the end.
I have so many good news things happening in my life. With good things comes the risk of loss and the fear that brings up. My most significant and most scary new thing is my relationship. We have had some teething issues, which, while normal, are very new and frightening for me. I’m scared to get hurt, I’m afraid to risk giving my heart again.
My partner went back home for his birthday, and I decided it was best for us to have some time apart so we could have some space and  I could have some thinking time.
Soon after he left, I realized that while reflecting on the things that scare me is helpful, the only way to overcome that fear is by taking action and facing whatever it is.
On that note, l took a deep breath and jumped on a train to surprise him in his hometown. His face on seeing me told me all I needed to know.

Managing Conflict – Day 92 Of #365daysofselfcare

This blog is part of the #365daysofselfcare challenge

Self-care is reminding ourselves that disagreements between people are healthy and normal

self care instaMy most recent self-care posts have mainly been within the theme of having the courage to voice our needs, despite the fear of upsetting others. I think this is coming up for me a lot at the moment, due to my being in a new relationship.

I have become much better practiced at asserting my needs over recent years. However, relationships are highly emotionally charged, especially for those of us in recovery. In these situations, especially new relationship beginnings, it’s not uncommon for old ‘defects of character’ to attempt to rear their ugly head.

Although I do not fall apart in the way I once did when these things come up, they are still very painful. Because my feelings are so strong for this new man in my life, there is, of course, the fear of losing him. This is why, when I practice what I’ve learned over my years in recovery and voice my needs and feelings honestly, I find my old thought patterns lurking in the sidelines. Fear tells me that the disagreement will mean the end of us, that now I’ve said how I feel things are ruined etc.

It is taking a lot of effort to not join in the dialogue with this inner voice, but whenever I refuse to engage it, it gets quieter. Sitting with the painful feelings is a healing process in itself, especially when I see the proof after having a disagreement, that not only are myself and my partner still OK but also that we are stronger for a mini disagreement.

 

Listening Patiently to Your Inner Self – Day 86 – 90 Of #365daysofselfcare

This blog is part of the #354daysofselfcare challenge

Self-care is learning to let our inner-self speak in its own time, rather than forcing answers

the answers are inside you.jpgSince arriving home from Truck festival, I’ve had a bit of an emotional crash. This isn’t unusual, Festival comedown is a common phenomenon! Its so lovely to be out of the daily grind, lying in the sun, listening to music, laughing with friends. Who in their right mind wants to return to reality!

It’s more than that though. This week away, while being one of the best festival experiences I’ve had for a while, has also been very emotional and I can feel the tectonic plates of my inner self, rumbling and shifting.

Before I went away, my new partner and I found ourselves rubbing each other up the wrong way. It’s likely new relationship teething problems, but then, whilst I was away,  there was an obvious emotional distance in our messages. It brought me back to reality with a bit of a painful bump and I started to wonder if we were not going to last the distance after all.

On returning home, my partner and I have sat and talked, and both of us want this to continue, but we do need to do things differently. Namely, having more time apart.

I’ve spent this week feeling quite lost and confused. I feel like something is happening under the surface at the moment, which started by revisiting Truck festival (see my last post) but I am not quite sure what it is.

I think I have a lot of things accumulating at the same moment. Realising my sexual attraction to men is not just a fantasy, 10000000000% enjoying sex for the first time in my entire life, giving up part of my independence to enter into a committed relationship and preparing for what will hopefully be my final lower surgery in my gender transition.

I am really feeling the difference between my actual age and my developmental age at the moment, and I have a feeling that this is something I need to somehow work through. There is likely a bit of grieving and acceptance to do alongside these new beautiful changes. I’ve found this has happened a few times in my transition. To be honest, I think everyone goes through this as life changes, but for us trans folks, it’s often more complicated and pronounced.

I’ve learned that not knowing what is going on is OK, if I just sit with it, it will all make sense and when it does it will be another one of those incredible leaps forward in self-growth and self-awareness.

Learn To Cherish Your Own Company – Day 80 of #365daysofselfcare

This blog is part of the #365daysofselfcare challenge

Self-care is learning to enjoy quality time with yourself

LOVE YOUR OWN COMPANYI have had a lovely day today, mooching about, buying random flamingo sunglasses and various blow-up toys ( get your mind out of the gutter its festival stuff), buying myself lunch and then having a pampering bath evening.
I absolutely love my own company, which is something l once could never have imagined myself saying! I actually miss it now when l go too long without me time.

Being in a new and exciting relationship, it can be all too easy to neglect to spend time with yourself. I’m guilty of this lately and l need to get a better balance because l actually miss myself!

Stop Looking For Happiness In Other People – Day 71- 73 Of #365daysofselfcare

This Blog os part of the #365daysofselfcare challenge

Self-care is knowing that we do not need to compromise ourselves in order to be loved

Picture_20180710_113754858

A wonderful thing happens when we love ourselves.
We stop needing other people to make us happy, to make up for missing aspects of or our lives, or to give us their approval.

This means that we can then enter into new relationships, not from a place of need but from a genuine connection.
It also means we are more able to retain our integrity and stay true to who we are, only giving ourselves to those who accept us for exactly who we are.