I am now 11 years post top surgery. It has been 11 glorious years with my chest. Most men go through life without giving much thought to their chests, but as a transgender man, I think about mine almost every day. Unlike in the past, when my thoughts were consumed by the pain of gender dysphoria, they are now filled with gratitude. I hadn’t realized how much pain I was in until it was gone. It’s only in the absence of pain that I can truly understand how unbearable it was before. Perhaps that’s why gratitude will always be a part of me.
Recently, I celebrated my 11-year top surgery anniversary with a vlog. I spoke about this deep gratitude and how, despite ageing, chronic illness, disability, and weight gain, none of these things diminish the joy I feel about my chest. I wanted to expand on some of those themes here. It’s been a while since I’ve written a celebratory blog post—the last one was five years ago when I was unexpectedly dragged on stage as a topless backing dancer. That was a moment!
Watch My On Stage Gender Euphoria Moment!
The Early Days: Recovery post Top Surgery
I had my top surgery with Mr. Andrew Yelland at the Nuffield Hospital in Brighton on November 27, 2013. The procedure I had was double incision with nipple grafts.
Waking up from surgery, I felt an overwhelming sense of relief. The alien lumps were gone! After years of waiting, it was finally real. Of course, I was in pain—more than I should have been—because, as it turned out, I was one of the unfortunate few who developed a hematoma. I needed to go back into surgery later that day to have it drained.
The pain after that was far more manageable. I rested with a smile on my face, knowing that I would soon get to see my glorious new chest.
Navigating the Healing Process
In the first week post-op, I was terrified to move, afraid of doing something that might affect my results. Waiting for the post-op binder to come off felt like waiting for Christmas—and, ironically, it was Christmas!
Despite the hematoma hiccup, it hadn’t affected my healing or the results at all. I was a little more bruised, but other than that, I was healing well and right on schedule, just as Mr. Yelland expected.
When he finished removing all the staples and tape, he let me stand in front of the mirror to take a look. I was lost for words. I’ll never forget that moment—seeing my true chest revealed for the first time. It was the best Christmas present I could have ever received.
Watch My Chest Reveal Moment!
Scar Care & Healing Post Top Surgery
Once everything had healed and the scabs on my nipples had fallen off, I began my pre-planned scar care routine. This served me well, as my scars healed remarkably well, and I’m thrilled with my results.
I’ve continued to take care of them over the years and have been very cautious in the sun. Because of this, my scars have aged beautifully and softened over time.
Embracing My Changing Body 11 Years Post Top Surgery
As the years have passed, my relationship with my chest has continued to evolve, and I’ve developed a deep appreciation for how it has healed and aged. Over the years, my weight has fluctuated—especially in recent years due to hypothyroidism and more serious chronic illness. The steroids I’ve taken for polymyalgia rheumatica have caused rapid weight gain over the past year, but thankfully, this hasn’t affected my scars.
None of these changes have lessened my love for my chest. In fact, being able to age with this body is a privilege. Transitioning gave me the freedom to grow older, feeling like me. Even on days when my chronic illness makes life difficult, my body being right helps me push through.
Weight, after all, is a superficial concern—my gender is not. I can live with being overweight, but I could never have lived in a body that didn’t reflect who I truly was.
Finding Joy in Unexpected Ways
One viewer commented on my recent top surgery video, saying I’ve gone from “twink to bear”—and I love it!
Before I transitioned, I was often dangerously thin. I had a complicated relationship with food, which I later realized wasn’t really about food at all—it was about trying to shape my body into something more masculine. I never imagined I’d be comfortable in a bigger body, yet here I am, loving my chunkier, bear-like self.
Sure, I’d like to lose some weight for health reasons, but I’d never want to be very slim again, and certainly not as skinny as I was. This shift in how I see my body has been a revelation. It’s another gift of top surgery, of gender transition, that my entire mindset around body image has shifted. It’s really not about how I look at all. I enjoy looking like a man, of course, but it’s the knowing and feeling like a man—because my body reflects my true gender—that’s what matters most, no matter what size I am.
Addressing Misconceptions: Chronic Illness and Transition
One topic I always find important—and frustrating—to address is the assumption that my chronic illness was caused by my transition.
I often receive comments suggesting that my gender transition and surgeries caused my chronic illness. This assumption is far from the full picture. While surgery—like any medical procedure—carries risks, and infections during surgery can contribute to conditions like ME/CFS, making a direct link between my transition and my illness is an oversimplification.
Chronic illnesses like ME/CFS are complex, often resulting from a mix of genetic predisposition, infections, immune dysfunction, trauma, and prolonged stress. In my case, many other factors likely played a bigger role—past trauma, substance abuse, years of untreated gender dysphoria, and chronic anxiety.
There are countless people with ME/CFS who have never had surgery. While it’s important to be informed about potential surgical risks, I don’t want people to read misleading comments on my videos and worry that transitioning will cause chronic illness.
Listen to me talk about this in more detail
The Ongoing Impact of Top Surgery: A Life-Changing Decision
Top surgery is the best decision I ever made—not just because of how my chest looks, but because of the freedom it has given me. The confidence I’ve gained is immeasurable.
Before surgery, gender dysphoria made everything feel difficult. Hugging people was distressing, intimacy felt impossible, and even being alone with my own body was uncomfortable. Now, I move through life with a deep sense of ease. I can see and touch my own body without distress. Hugging people is pure joy. Intimacy feels natural. Everyday things that many take for granted—getting dressed, showering, staying at a friend’s house, accessing changing rooms,—are no longer battles.
Top surgery, along with my lower surgery, didn’t just change my body; it allowed me to fully connect with my body in a way I never could before. For the first time, I was able to experience intimacy as myself, without dysphoria getting in the way. This clarity helped me realize that I’m gay.
Ultimately, top surgery has given me the freedom to simply exist as me, with comfort, confidence, and joy.
Gender transition is a gift of deep, quiet peace within my body—an ability to exist in an expanse of space I never knew existed.
Advice for Those Considering Top Surgery
A common fear I hear from people considering top surgery is nervousness about the procedure itself. Many worry that expressing fear will make others question if they’re ‘ready.’ But nerves are completely normal. Nobody wants surgery—we want the results!
If you’re nervous, I have an entire playlist of top surgery vlogs on my YouTube channel and I’ve written several posts on here such as choosing a surgeon and preparing for surgery that might help ease those anxieties.
Tips for a Smooth Recovery
The early days post-op are crucial. As long as you take care of yourself and, once healed, follow a good scar care routine, most people find that their scars heal beautifully.
Eleven years later, I can say with certainty that top surgery was life-changing. My body has changed over time, but my gratitude remains just as strong.
For anyone considering it: if this is what you need to live authentically, it is so worth it.
Final Thoughts at 11 Years Post Top Surgery
If you’re considering top surgery and have questions, you’re not alone. Feel free to explore my other posts on surgery prep, or join the conversation in the comments—I’d love to hear your thoughts!
Watch My Recent 11 Year Post Top Surgery Update Video!
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📖 Buy My Book – My memoir, Top to Bottom, shares my personal journey through phalloplasty and gender transition. Purchasing a copy is a great way to support my work while also spreading awareness. You can find it here.
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