The world works in mysterious ways

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I haven’t written here for some time.  My last post here was about deciding to begin to walk the South West coastal path, I have not made a lot of progress on that, in fact lets not beat around the bush here, I have not made any progress whatsoever!

My lack of writing , specifically about my coastal path adventures, stands as evidence as to how much life can suddenly change. At my last time of writing , on the back of my gender confirmation surgery going wrong, I was in the worst mental health place I had been for a while. My anxiety was so high that going outside was a challenge that took me two days to work up to and a week to recover from. I needed solitude, finding people to be just too much to cope with. I  couldn’t handle people being close to this body of mine which had returned to feeling like it was wrapped in barbwire and if I moved too suddenly or someone moved against me I would be cut to ribbons.

I desperately needed to balance looking after myself with also gently pushing myself to not sink into depths of isolation. I decided that challenging myself to a regular walk would help to accomplish this aim and would likely also help me to have a feeling of achievement.

Then, out of the blue, I met a woman who was to completely change how I felt in every way possible and would suddenly catapult me forwards in life, meaning that finding the time to do a coastal walk would turn out to be impossible!

Thanks to this wonderful woman, I have had a complete sexual paradigm shift. Despite my body still not working in the way that I hope it will one day in the not too distant future, I no longer feel the dysphoria I felt just a couple of months ago, My body feels freer than I ever thought it was possible to feel, especially considering its current “unfinished” state. This wonderful woman and I are no longer in a relationship, but the healing and growth that she ignited continues to blossom and I will be forever grateful for her.

My point in this post, as well as noting my lack of coastal walks, is to reflect on the wonderfully mysterious way that life works. Had I not had the awful surgery experience, I would likely have not been open to this sexual and relational epiphany that’s happened. Its hard when times are tough to not label things as good and bad but developments like this are proof that things are not good or bad, they simply just are. Trusting this means in the midst of a difficult experience, such as the one I had for the first half of this year,  the faith and knowledge that it will open up again and make sense , helps me to keep on travelling on.

When my new and exciting sexual world stops spinning so fast, I still plan to find the time to do these coastal walks, its just that now I shall do them with a rather large spring in my step and a incredibly wide smile on my face.

 

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Walking The UK Coastline-Challenging Anxiety One Walk At A Time

 

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My love of walking started at a very early age. As a young child, I would challenge myself to walk further and further from my house each time, revelling in the excitement of discovering new streets or play-parks and feel a huge sense of achievement on being able to then navigate my way back home.

As an adult these adventures continued, though on a much wider scale of course, I loved travelling to new parts of the UK and discovering unfamiliar places.  However, these adventures became very tainted as they were fuelled with drink and drugs and became more about running away from myself than about immersing myself in somewhere new. Eventually, my ability to travel was taken from me by a thick, dark cloud of depression and anxiety.

Since I began my road to recovery in 2010, my passion for walking and adventure has returned with a childlike innocence and excitement. Being set free from the dark prison of anxiety, I feel like I am seeing places through the eyes of my childhood self all over again, the thrill of stepping foot in an unknown town and navigating my way around, the overwhelming joy of turning a corner and having every single one of my senses come alive in response to breath-taking sights and scenery. Even more joyful is re vising the places I travelled to during my “geographical’s”, (a term we use in our recovery fellowship to describe moving to new locations to try to solve our issues rather than facing them). Being able to revisit these places with fresh eyes and a fresh mindset, reflecting on the past and how far I’ve come, is a delight in of itself. Now, walking has become a huge part of how I stay mentally well.

However, of late I have had a lot of emotional blows, meaning that my mental health has taken a bit of a downturn. More surprising and rather alarming to me, is that my anxiety has returned.  Due to this. over the last few months I have been finding it increasingly hard to motivate myself to get outside and I am constantly finding excuses to stay indoors and isolate. I need to work hard to address this now before it escalates out of control.

For this reason, I am setting myself a mission to encourage myself to get outside and to challenge the anxiety. This mission is to walk the entire coastal path of mainland UK. I am not setting a deadline for this, or a schedule, timeline or mileage goal. I am just going to walk it in sections over time until its done and document it on the way in film and in writing.

Everything I share across all my blogging and vlogging platforms, is based around the topic of recovery and self-development and this will new venture will be the same. I will walk this journey with the purpose of taking care of my mental health and to challenge the anxiety. A lot of times I will be revisiting places from the past, from times when I was very mentally unwell and when I was using drink and drugs to medicate myself.  Revisiting these places will be a valuable opportunity to reflect on the past and to use it for new growth and I will share my reflections with you when I do so.

Logistics of the walk

I am still working out how I am going to tackle the completion of this walk, other than knowing I will first start with the south west coast path and that I will be completing it’s 630 miles in sections. I like to do things in order and that part of me wants to complete the sections in the “proper” clockwise direction, starting in Minehead and finishing in Poole. The other part of me feels It would be best to start on my doorstep, completing the path in sections on either side of me. Doing it this way, it would make sense to break it into two phases, first traveling anticlockwise in sections from Dawlish to Minehead and then travelling clockwise in sections from Dawlish to Pool. Maybe I am overthinking it?! I would welcome anyone’s thoughts on this and will update about my decisions in due course.

Rules of the walk

Walking should of course be a chance to be free of rules and constrains, but for the purpose of completing this challenge I need to set out my own definitions of what completing a walk of the entire UK coastline means. I have read numerous blogs of people walking the coast and from those I have come up with the following rules for my own walk:

  1. I will walk mindfully and in tune with nature, using the opportunity for mental, emotional and spiritual growth
  2. I will walk as close to the coast as possible as long as it is safe and legal to do so, using footpaths and roads when it isn’t
  3. I will start each section I walk at the place I finished at in my previous walk
  4. I will not use public transport other than for travelling to and from my start and finish points. This means I will also walk the sections that are not so scenic or where I have to walk further away from the coast if it’s not accessible
  5. When I meet a river or estuary I won’t cheat by going around it on public transport, I will cross it using a bridge or ferry, if neither are available I will cross at the nearest and safest public crossing point
  6. I will exclude islands and peninsulas as part of the challenge but I may decide to walk them if possible

 

#JusJoJan Daily Prompt – Jan 3rd – ‘Warning’

This post takes part in Linda’s Just Jot It Jan 

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I, and others that know me, used to joke that I should come with a warning label. I thought this was an amusing and lovingly assigned description of my character but in truth it was because I was a complete pain in the neck and at the end of my drinking days there was nothing amusing about me at all.

Today I am unrecognisable as that person, when people describe me now; ‘warning’ is the last label I would be assigned. People remark on my calm nature, yes I can be very excitable and hyper, the new born child in me is very evident, but I am a person in control of myself and a person you can trust yourself to be safe around. I still find this an astonishing change in just six short years of mental health and addiction recovery.

In order to develop this calmer nature, I have had to create a robust and sensitive early warning system, an inner lighthouse to alert me when a storm is arriving or when the sea may threaten to thrash me towards the jagged rocks of mental illness. I have had to become acutely aware of the various things that threaten my wellness and very good at noticing the early warning signs and to this affect, the inner lighthouse will change from shades of yellow through to amber and red depending on the threat of the situation

The last month or so I have been inundated with warning signs, my inner lighthouse had been brightly lit  as a solid amber, but due to Christmas obligations, I haven’t had much choice other than to just ride the waves as safely as I can with mindfulness. However, today the lighthouse switched on to full red warning alert as I attended my medical assessment for my sickness benefit.

Attending these assessments, as anyone who’s had them will attest, is never easy, but then add being transgender into the mix and the whole thing turns into a cringe making, anger inducing mess. I sat there bewildered as the assessor first got confused that I was a man about to change to living as a woman. After correcting him and after he had picked his jaw back up from the desk he then remarked that I made for, “a very convincing transition” and that he, “had seen other people who were not as convincing and I must be very pleased”, He went on to then ask me if I would like to be referred to as he.

Wow, warning light on full flashing red mode, sirens, bells, whistles, the whole shebang.

I’ll be honest, I wanted to sob, I wanted to just fall on the floor in a heap, curl up into the foetal position and let my whole body convulse with reckless emotional abandon, but I can’t cry, I just don’t, it doesn’t come out and I am not one to indulge in dramatic emotional displays, at least I am not today but six years ago I may well have done.  I’ve had enough at the moment, Christmas has been incredibly tough being my first one single after a really messy breakup, add to the mix having to sit with a total stranger and explain my entire mental health history, my entire addiction history and then intimate details of my dysphoria and gender transition, all crammed into less than 40mins, to someone that had the tact and sensitivity of an array of hedgehogs.

However, the painfully crafted warning system served me well, one of the skills I have learnt in recovery is knowing which battles to pick and this one just wasn’t worth it. I spend a lot of my time educating people and this chap needed it but today had to be about first things first, my mental health, and so I  took a deep breath, answered as politely as I could and just got through it.

Thank goodness for my inner lighthouse and its warning signs, for lighting the way so that I can choose the path of least resistance and just make sure I kept myself safe. Now though,i t’s time to drop anchor, hunker down for a while and wait for the storm to pass.

Feel The Fear And Do It Anyway!

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Good morning! I have been having a few personal insights lately and I just wanted to share this one with you. If you watch my vlogs, or in fact just know me, you will know that the biggest continuous challenge I face is fear. Although my generalised anxiety is now vastly improved, I still have a lot of fear around doing new things, meeting new people and so on.

Continue reading “Feel The Fear And Do It Anyway!”

Increase of suicide in young transgender people

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It seems that hardly a day goes past without headlines of yet another young Transgender person ending their life.  Every day it seems my feed on Tumblr, Twitter or Facebook is announcing another tragic loss. It has almost become normalised, in that it’s not a surprise or that it’s an expected part of being Transgender. This should not be the case.

Continue reading “Increase of suicide in young transgender people”

Happy Finniversary To Me

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It is incredible that today marks three years since my legal name change to Mr Finlay Games. This time 3 years ago, I’d been out living publically as a transgender male for just over a month and I was both elated and petrified all at the same time. The new realisation that I was transgender answered questions I had been asking for a lifetime. However, as amazing as it was to finally be able to make sense of the years of confusion, I wanted and wished desperately, that I could just shut the lid on the proverbial ‘Pandora’s box, I had just opened.

Continue reading “Happy Finniversary To Me”