Every day something happens to us that we can’t control or change, and this can understandably cause us a lot of pain. But what is really causing our pain, is it the thing that happened, or is it our resistance to it? And, if we don’t resist these things, does acceptance mean we are just passively giving in? In this blog, I want to clear up some misunderstandings of acceptance and show how learning to practice acceptance can greatly improve our mental wellbeing.
Lack of Control Is an Unavoidable Part of Life
It is the nature of life that lots of things happen which are out of our control. Perhaps a loved one dies, maybe we break up with a partner, or someone says something to upset us. In particular right now, in the middle of the coronavirus pandemic, so much is out of our control. Whilst we often cannot control events or feelings, we can control how they affect us by learning to respond to them in more mindful ways. Acceptance can help us to do this.
My Journey of Developing the Skill of Acceptance
Those who follow my videos and on social media will know that I talk a lot about acceptance. It is a concept I learned in the rooms of alcoholics anonymous through my recovery from addiction.
Learning how to develop the skill of acceptance has helped enormously through my gender transition, in dealing with my fluctuating mental and physical health, and in the ups and downs and uncertainties of daily life.
Growing and strengthening my acceptance muscle is a skill I am incredibly grateful for. However, in the early days of recovery, acceptance meant something far different than it does to me now and I didn’t see in such a positive light.
Why We Resist Accepting the Things we Cannot Change
Like many people, when I first heard the concept of accepting the things you cannot change, I felt incredibly resistant to the idea. I thought acceptance meant the same as giving in, which it doesn’t at all. Let’s look at some of the things that acceptance isn’t before we move on to what it actually is. Acceptance is not:
- A passive ‘putting up’ with things
- Giving up or giving in
- Denial of a difficult event
- Saying what has happened is OK
Accepting as an Action and an Active Force
Acceptance is not just a passive ‘giving in’. Far from being passive, acceptance in an action. When we spontaneously react to something that happens, we can often be swept away on a tide of negative thoughts and feelings. This makes us feel worse. Instead, we can choose to respond in a mindful way. By first accepting whatever has happened, or however we feel, we can then choose how to respond, rather than just reacting.
The Benefits of Accepting What You Cannot Change
When we see that acceptance is a mindful action that we chose, its possible to see that there are many benefits to practicing acceptance, it can help us to:
- Take appropriate action
- Strengthen our resilience and ability to embrace change
- Bring us into the moment, rather than focusing on the past
- Improve our mental health as we stop wasting energy wishing something was another way
Acceptance Helps us to Find Solutions and Take Appropriate Action
When we chose to respond to an event or an issue with an acceptance viewpoint, it shifts us into a more mindful place. From this more mindful point, it becomes easier to see things for how they are, and then to find solutions, if there are any. Or, to mindfully acknowledge that there isn’t a solution, and instead we are choosing to stay in a place of acceptance, until the situation passes, or a solution becomes available.
Acceptance Empowers Us to change
Often, when we have resistance to acceptance, it can be because we do not want to face something in our lives. This lack of acceptance keeps us in denial, for example as it did for me in my years of alcohol abuse. I had to first accept that I was an alcoholic before I could even begin to do anything about it. Practicing acceptance of whatever we are trying to resist, can then empower us to take the action we need to make changes in our lives.
Acceptance Improves Our Mental Wellbeing
Energy spent fighting something we cannot change, such as the death of a loved one or a 12-month wait for a medical appointment, is energy wasted. We are then causing ourselves twice the pain, pain from the event, and then the pain of continually staying in an exhausting fight mode. It is much kinder for ourselves, to accept these things, and then we can make better choices about how to deal with them.
How to Practice Acceptance
Learning to practice acceptance, starts with mindful attention. We first look at the situation or feeling that’s causing us pain, facing it head on. We then allow our feelings, whatever they are. Its completely understandable to be upset if something bad has happened, but we chose to then focus on what we CAN do rather than what we CAN’T do. This is the powerful key that acceptance gives us.
Using The Serenity Prayer
Reciting the serenity prayer, when I’m in an upsetting situation, helps me to bring in mindfulness, and then look at what action I might be able to take
Grant me the serentity,
to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the differen ce
The Serenity prayer
Interpreting the Serenity Prayer
When we move into mindfulness of the moment, we can calmly accept whatever is happening. Then, we are in a better position to assess the situation. Assessing the situation, helps us to then find the wisdom to know if what is happening is something we can change, or if its something we cant and need to just let go of.
Developing Your Acceptance Muscle
Acceptance, like any skill, takes practice. And, even after years of practicing it, it still takes effort. Acceptance isn’t a magical fix; it won’t take the pain away. But you will at least stop adding to that pain by exhausting yourself trying to change what’s out of your control.
Acceptance also is not a one-time event. Often, especially with difficult events like the loss of a loved one, we have to keep choosing acceptance in every moment, over and over again, until the pain lessens.
But, by bringing this valuable skill into your life, you will be far better equipped to deal with life’s difficulties. When faced with difficult events out of your control, learning to practice acceptance will help you to feel empowered. Knowing that we have control of our inner worlds, of the way we respond to events and feelings, helps us to be better able to deal with that which is out of our control.
I hope that was helpful, I would love to hear your thoughts so please do drop me a comment in the section below. You can also watch my vlog about practicing acceptance, where I share my personal examples of how I use it in my life.
Hello! My name is Finn and I have a passion for creating honest content, that inspires personal growth and promotes well-being.
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[…] All too often we put pressure on ourselves in a New Year, to do things that are just not achievable in our current circumstances. This in turn leads to failure and feeling bad about ourselves. Alternatively, reflection helps us to be kinder to ourselves to acknowledge all the things we did achieve, and forgive ourselves for limitations that are beyond our control. […]
This is so true! Acceptance can be extremely difficult when we are stuck in a fixed mindset, believing there is nothing more out there for us. But it’s only when we accept things as they are that we have motivation to go out and try to do better. And we should all be forgiving to ourselves – we can’t always be perfect, but we’re all trying our best. Great post! 😊
Yes indeed! Energy is released when we stop fighting and can be focused on more helpful ways to manage the situation. Forgiving ourselves is absolutely key! Thanks so much for reading and for your kind comment
Completely agree! and no problem at all
Great post. Acceptance is usually such a difficult thing to do. Thank you for breaking it down, so that it’s less daunting.
It is so very hard, but then so is beating ourselves up about what we cannot change! Im glad breaking it down made it feel less daunting. Thanks for reading!