I find myself torn between pride and concern on Coming Out Day. On the one hand, I love that our society has evolved to the point that we now celebrate people coming out. On the other hand, I wish it wasn’t a big deal. I look forward to the day where it doesn’t matter what our sexual orientation or gender identity is. A day when we just accept that people can fall in love with other people of any gender. A day when we also realise that gender isn’t straight forward and for some people, they need to define themselves differently. I can dream.
Coming Out Day Is Even Harder For Trans People
The other reason I find Coming Out Day troublesome is that trans people are frequently overlooked on LGBT+ awareness days. For the majority of trans folk, our coming out is far from celebrated in society. When we come out, we face being abandoned by our families and friends. If we come out at work we face discrimination. In just trying to live our daily lives we face harassment on the streets. Transgender people are all too often the victim of violence and murder.
Trans People Are Forced To Come Out
Those that are newly discovering themselves to be transgender, have no choice but to come out. In early days, before cross-sex hormones change our appearance (for those that choose this path), we suffer the humiliating pain of being incorrectly gendered many times a day. The only way to counteract this is to ask people to use the correct pronouns for us. Of course, as soon as a trans person who is not yet being read correctly does this, they automatically out themselves as being trans and place themselves at risk.
Choosing To Not Come Out as Trans on Coming Out Day
Even transgender people further down the line of transition, are not free of the difficulty of Coming Out Day. Once fully transitioned (in whatever way that means to each particular trans person), we can often blend into society and not have to disclose our trans history. However, those that choose to be “stealth”, feel pressured on Coming Out Day to make themselves visible. Not disclosing can make someone feel as though they are letting the community down. The fact that not disclosing is described as “going stealth” highlights how much shame is involved in not revealing a trans identity.
Coming Out Is A Personal Choice
I am a very proud man with a trans history. On most days I am happy to shout it from the rooftops and face the inevitable backlash that still so often happens. I still get many nasty comments, evident on many threads on my YouTube channel. Regardless and actually because of this, I continue to be visible.
However, many trans people have no control over their being outed or feel unsafe to come out. These people are no less proud, they just do not have the same freedoms and choices as the rest of the LGBT+ community does in being visible LGBT+ people. Therefore I ask you please, to spare a thought for trans folk on Coming Out Day.
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This is a very difficult topic – thank you for writing so openly about it.
Honestly, it is something I’ve never considered; in particular in terms of continuing to need to come out or be considered “stealth” post transition.
I hope that we can work towards a future of raised awareness that it’s okay to not declare yourself as being trans unless you want to.
Thank you so much for your kind and thoughtful comment. Its common to not understand, trans folk are tagged onto the lend of the LGBT but most folks fail to recognise that although we are of the same family, we have very different needs and are viewed very differently by society. We have a long way to go, which is why I talk so openly. Kind comments, where people are trying to understand, make being open very worthwhile , so thank you!
[…] should all be visible. Transgender people frequently face discrimination and violence and therefore cannot risk being open. Furthermore, not all trans people want to be visible and so it is important to recognise that […]
This is an extremely difficult way to exist, but thank you for shedding light on the subject.