One of the hardest things for me in recovery from addiction and mental health challenges, and in going through gender transition, is the deep grief felt at the wasted time.
Having declared myself to be a writer, I now need to develop this into a business which will allow me to write for a living. Currently, I am not quite sure what that will look like. However, it helps me to remember that I have a lot of experience.
If you are familiar with me across all my other social media platforms, then you may have noticed some changes happening. I’ve been fiddling about with header images, taglines, personal bio’s and generally spamming your news-feed with all these changes (sorry about that!). Lots of you have been asking, “What’s going on?”
Grab yourself a cup of tea and a biscuit and let me tell you.
This year’s World Mental Health Day has the theme ‘in the workplace’. I am not in paid employment at the moment but I feel this theme is still very relevant to me.
I have had mental health issues since as far back as I can remember. My official diagnosis started in 1993 when l was sectioned after a suicide attempt. At that time I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety. Not that l needed a label to tell me this but this label allowed me access to the mental health system, support and various modalities of treatment
In the years since then, my mental health became steadily worse. Unfortunately, the main way I dealt with my depression and anxiety was to numb it with food restriction, alcohol and drugs. Doing this also allowed me to keep working. If I was numb then l could blot out the anxiety and exhaustion that being around people caused and cope with the sickening feeling of nameless dread I experienced on a daily basis.
Not surprisingly, living life like this was not manageable and soon, not only was l caught using cannabis and being drunk at work, but also being numb just was not masking the low mood and anxiety like it used to. I then moved from being, in the loosest possible term, a ‘functioning person with mental health issues’ to being completely non-functioning. My anxiety was at astronomical levels, to the point where I was constantly rocking and l had picked up self-harming as another futile coping tool.
No longer functioning, my life began to shut down. My University faculty department suggested I take some time out of my University degree studies which I wasn’t managing at all. I approached my local GP for some support and was officially signed off from work. Later that year, I was admitted to a full time 18-month non-residential treatment at a therapeutic community in which I stayed for 23 months including assessment phase. There I was diagnosed with various personality disorders, to add to my already existing diagnosis
Although the therapeutic community addressed my drinking and using, it wasn’t enough to stop me completely. For the entire time, except the last month of therapy, I was free from using cannabis but I was still drinking alcohol. The communities approach to alcohol misuse was to use controlled drinking methods rather than abstinence and this allowed me to continue to drink and lie about the amount I was drinking. Once I finished the 18-month program in the April of 2010, l went out for a drink to celebrate and that party lasted 4 months.
Waking from a particularly wild night in early August 2010, for some reason I found myself for the first time really wanting off of the hamster wheel of it all. A series of chance events led me into the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous where for the first time I was able to admit I was an alcoholic, stop drinking one day at a time and begin to take responsibility for my recovery and my life. Not only am l now 7 years clean and sober but l am also managing my various mental health issues in healthy ways and am able to move forward in my life, despite them often making things more challenging
And this is where I return to how this year’s World Mental Health Days theme applies to me. I am still unable to return to paid work, although l am so much better than l was l am still unable to stay consistently well enough to withdraw from benefits into paid employment. On top of my mental health issues, I am also undergoing gender transition which currently involves a lot of medical treatment and surgery recovery. This in turn has an impact on my mental health and l have to be so careful to make sure I’m being balanced and taking care of myself. If l don’t stay self-aware and vigilant about my recovery and my mental health, I risk relapse and if that happens l could lose all. mental health progress I have made.
The worry and shame of being on benefits affects me every single day. I live in dread of the constant reassessment forms and medical assessments which are done by people who have never met me and make an assumption based on a small snapshot of my life. It’s an exhausting and humiliating process that you never get a break from for more than a few months at a time and always negatively effects my mental health. As anyone with mental health issues knows, the benefit system, including the back to work team, are not clued up about how having long standing mental health diagnosis effects trying to find and keep employment. This means that many people with mental health issues fall into two categories. The first are those forced back into work due to inadequate mental health assessments deeming them fit for work by the benefits team. The second are those who are awarded benefit and then get stuck on it because they are too scared to move forward into work for fear that if they do and they find it negatively effects their mental health, they will then lose their benefits.
I am trying to develop a career for myself that allows me the flexibility I need to make my own income. I’m not lazy, l don’t want to be on sickness benefits, l am hard working, and driven but the current general pattern of work that employers ask for just do not suit my mental health needs. I need to be able to evaluate where i am on a daily basis and set my own hours according to my level of mental well being. I need to be able to simplify things when times are tough or take time off when my mental health is feeling too fragile. I have to put my mental health first or nothing else is possible. The way we work in our society does not allow for this flexibility in employment.
Surely there must be a better way. Can the benefit system and employers work together to provide a system whereby a person with long standing re occurring mental health issues, can be supported into work with flexible hours and the option to withdraw at times where their mental health is too severe without losing their money? This would be so fantastic and would also help in recovery as the self-esteem generated from managing to be productive and achieve something is so good for one’s mental health. Additionally, knowing that in times of need, some down time can be taken without fearing looking money, would also remove the shame or worry of having mental health issues and encourage better self-management. Until something like this is created, those attempting to make the transition from benefits to work will be failed by the system time and time again causing a cycle of constant relapse, shame and stigma.
This year has without doubt been one of my most challenging, marked with incredible highs and lows and so much profound change.
My lack of writing , specifically about my coastal path adventures, stands as evidence as to how much life can suddenly change. At my last time of writing , on the back of my gender confirmation surgery going wrong, I was in the worst mental health place I had been for a while. My anxiety was so high that going outside was a challenge that took me two days to work up to and a week to recover from. I needed solitude, finding people to be just too much to cope with. I couldn’t handle people being close to this body of mine which had returned to feeling like it was wrapped in barbwire and if I moved too suddenly or someone moved against me I would be cut to ribbons.
It has been five years since I officially changed my name by deed poll to Finlay. I had entirely forgotten the anniversary until Facebook reminded me by posting an old picture of my very proud boyish looking face celebrating the event. Being prompted to remember brought with it a flood of memories and a huge smile. I need that, with all that has occurred lately in having a setback in my surgical journey, it was wonderful to be reminded of just how far I have come. I haven’t gone backwards at all, not in terms of the whole picture at least.
2016, in many respects, has not been the greatest of years, both in my own personal life and in the world at large. It has been a very mixed bag of a year. Being as public as l am, most people are aware of my personal circumstances this year, however, only a small handful know the full details of the exact goings on. In my recovery I have learnt some valuable tools, the most helpful one being to keep my side of the street clean, which l try very much to live by. It’s been tough, because I’ve felt at times that being nice often doesn’t get you as far as you like, but what it does get me is peace of mind and the knowledge that I’ve done the next right thing.
Not making the full goings on public has also meant that I have truly discovered who my most trusted and loyal friends are. l work hard to keep upbeat, which is essential for my ability to stay sober and clean and maintain my recovery, but it’s not been easy. I’ve been the closest to a drink in this year than I have for a few years now and Christmas turned out to be tougher than l initially thought it would be. However, the special people in my life noticed this without me having to say so and have been my rock, you know who you are and l am so grateful for you in my life.
It certainly is true that you find out who your true friends are when disaster strikes and this has been the case for me. The love and support shown to me by my friends both nearby and online, has moved me to tears at many times throughout this year. I survived the most difficult of tests to my sobriety and mental health because of the many ways you expressed your love and support for me and there are not enough words to convey how much that means to me.
My own journey and the hard hitting loss of so many big names in 2016, has really hammered home what’s important in life, to cherish every moment and to spend time and energy on people and things that matter and walk away with love from those that don’t. l have an open heart and welcome warmly those who want to be in my life and want me in theirs, those that live by mutual respect, support and understanding and find as much joy in my life as I do in theirs. I will no longer waste my time on people that don’t live this way, I do not judge you, l simply am judging what I need in my life and what’s good for me.
It really has been one of those years of transformation and opportunity emerging from some very painful events. Moving to a new part of the UK was definitely not on my 2016 agenda but it has been the best move I have ever made and I have begun to make some wonderful friends here in Devon who have made the move so much easier and helped me to feel welcome and at home. So while it has been a hard year, the fruits of good things have sprouted from it which l hope will go on to fully flower in 2017. Thank you to all my friends, for the encouragement in all the new adventures that have begun to happen this year. I’ve begun to believe in myself and most importantly, I’ve begun to feel able to say that out loud because of the special people that have reminded me of and championed my abilities and talents
Thank you to my wonderful friends who are such a blessing in my life, who walk this journey of life with me and allow me to walk in theirs. l hope 2017 brings you happiness, love and all the wonderful things you deserve.
Love and light
Finn
November is Transgender Awareness Month and I thought it might be useful to address some topics around key debates and concerns in trans issues. I shall be sharing on my YouTube channel, where there will be an an accompanying video to this post, and on all my other social media sites.
One issue that frequently arises is backlash after a poorly presented program, film, or article on trans people and trans lives, hits the public sphere. Sadly it is quite rare that the media gift us with positive and affirming stories of transgender people.
When I first started sharing my story of my gender transition, I was very keen to work with the media to help raise awareness and reach out to other people struggling with gender issues. However, I find myself having to say no more and more because I have done things that did not come out how I hoped or was told they would and it’s disappointing. I’m also sick of seeing articles and documentaries that patronise us or sensationalise our stories. I feel for other Trans people that, like me, want to help only to find that the message conveyed is not the one they intended.
I’m having to be strict now, all l care about is helping other Trans people, yes l want to increase awareness and understanding but for the benefit of Trans people, not for the amusement of the general public
I do not believe in boycotting all media as a response to bad press, I feel that’s cutting our noses off to spite our face and just creates a stalemate between us. Instead we need a dialogue, you are still learning about us, our lives and our language, you will get it wrong and that’s OK, but what’s not OK is not apologising when you get it wrong or not listening to us and continuing to get it wrong. There are many of us who do want to tell you our stories but you need to first stop, drop what you think you know and instead really listen to us.
Here are my ten tips on what it will be helpful to bear in mind when working with us.
- Only trans people know how to tell trans stories
- I do not think the media can tell accurate stories or create accurate films and documentaries without the input of trans people, I believe it is vital that a production team member is trans or that the team relies heavily on the advice of trans people in the creative process.
- Make sure to do research, talk to the wider trans community and consult with experts such as Trans Media Watch
- Stop generalising
- Remember the Trans person or Trans people you are filming or writing about, are just a small sample of a vast population. We all are very different people, came to realise we were Trans in different ways and live our lives very differently so please do not generalise to all trans people.
- Don’t focus on surgery as defining us
- Don’t focus on hormones and surgery as defining our gender, these changes reflect our gender, they do not create it
- Be aware of your preconceptions
- Think of your impact on our lives. The way u portray us effects the way we feel about ourselves and the way society feels about us
- Check your perception of us before filming does it actually match with what we are telling you?
- Stop projecting your ideas about what you think it is like to be us onto what we are saying, instead bracket your ideas and listen to what we are telling you
- Ensure your whole production team is singing from the same hymn sheet. I am sure that most producers mean well with their questions but the way it’s edited can completely change the message as can the choice of lighting, the voice over and the music. They all convey a message and too often it takes away from the trans person reasons for taking part in the first place and then misrepresents us
- Be aware of our vulnerability
- Trans people are vulnerable people, even the strongest of us are vulnerable because of the prejudice that exists in society towards us.
- Remember that every time we choose to be visible for you it is your responsibility to respect and protect that trust
- Trans people agree to articles and programs because of a wish to increase understanding and to reach those struggling. Respect that and do not miss represent us
- Learn our language
- There is a general consensus of best practices guidelines and the language to use when telling Trans stories, these guidelines are there to protect the individual and the wider community so please study them. I will put a link at the bottom to trans media watch who provide great advice for the media
- Sometimes a trans person may have different feelings about words, in this case follow the person’s lead but clarify it was their choice. Again this demonstrates that each of us experience being transgender differently and navigate life differently
- Be aware of the power you hold in telling our story and the impact you have
- Remember the power you have, over the Trans person/people you are working with and in the effect of the message you send out with your creation
- As trans people we have little social power, we trust you, you’ve told us you want to tell our story, to help spread awareness, to humanise us. Due to your expertise we see you as people of power and we trust you. Do not abuse that trust, make sure you tell the story that we tell you and nothing else.
- Be honest and respectful
- Be honest with us; tell us your aims, what will be used, how it will be used, what message you hope to convey. This will give us informed choice in working with you.
- Be honest with yourself, what are your aims? Do you really want to help trans people or do you just want ratings?Remember we are people and people who are still fighting to be accepted, please do not exploit our vulnerability in order to further your own ends.
- You are responsible and accountable
- If you write a story and pass it on l believe it is still your responsibility to ensure your original intent is not misrepresented. A great story can be turned into circus play with just a few poor tag lines and headlines.
- Remember we are people not ratings generators
- Emotive tag lines may well pull in viewers and readers but they serve to feed the sensationalist view of trans people as people who are odd, different and to be gawped at which only serves to make things worse for us.
- We are not freaks, anomalies, emotive tag lines, or tools to increase ratings. We are people, with inspiring stories to tell that go far beyond what gender we were assigned at birth, what our old names were or what we have in our pants.
As both a student psychologist and a man with a trans history, the topic of identity and how it develops over time fascinates me. I have found that my identity never properly developed a stable base. In hindsight, I expect this is why I was diagnosed with a personality disorder. I now believe that my personality disorder diagnosis was likely down to the fact that I wasn’t female. Therefore my gender incongruence likely caused the personality, identity and mental health issues I faced.
In transition, I have experienced a loss and a grieving for my old identity, not because it was one I liked, but because it was all that I knew. Without my old identity, I was in limbo whilst I waited for my new identity as a man to form and become stable.
During transition we are in a constant state of flux. As hormones and surgery change the body we have to get used to our new embodied selves. And, as our gender roles and societal expectations change we have to get used to the new way we interact with others. This constant flux means that the stable identity base is hard to build.
Now, nearing the end of my surgical journey and hormones having done their most significant work, I find I am at last able to put down stable roots to my identity. These stable roots are allowing me more security and stability from which to explore other aspects of myself.
In this vlog I discuss this process and the ways in which I am continuing to actively discover and develop my new identity.
I thought it might be helpful to share the ways in which I have been protecting my skin graft on my forearm. I originally tried a tubi grip but I found it hot and uncomfortable and have since found some much better options