Flexible working and studying plays a key role in managing
Resisting The Urge To Quit
This weeks self-care theme has largely been about resisting the urge to quit. I am still exhausted due to the ongoing hypothyroidism fatigue. This is making it practically impossible to do anything.
Whilst kindness to others is something most people keep at the forefront of their mind, practicing self-kindness can be too easy to forget. I am often guilty of beating myself up about things or demanding things which I would never be as hard to someone else about.
In beginning freelance writing, I feel like I have no idea what I’m doing. I mean I know what I’m doing, but I don’t know if I am doing it right. Yes, I have read a lot of books, articles, posts etc, but I still feel like I am feeling my way around in the dark. Its exciting and terrifying all at once.
As a transgender gay man, I am a member of one of the highest at-risk communities, for mental health issues. Unfortunately, this means that I am no stranger to suicide. I have lost many LGBTQ+ friends to suicide and seen many more attempt to take their lives. We need to address this now by tackling the stigma which still exists in society, and by providing mental health support for LGBTQ+ people.
The phrase, “Do one thing every day that scares you,” is from ‘Everybody’s Free (to Wear Sunscreen)’ a spoken word song by Baz Luhrmann. In my journey with anxiety disorder, I have learned the benefits of doing things that scare you. That particular line from the song has stuck with me and has become somewhat of a mantra.
2. We Are Going To Know a New Freedom and a New Happiness
Today, I celebrate eight years sober and clean. It still amazes me that it has been that long. I remember, in my first few Alcoholics Anonymous meetings, feeling a rising panic at the thought of a day without alcohol, never mind eight years. I also remember being scared of what my life would become, thinking that a life without alcohol would be dull.
This memory makes me smile now, for two reasons. The first reason is that my life back then was already dull. I was a physical and mental wreck, spending my days smoking weed, knocking back lager, and obsessing about running short of either of the two. Hardly a fulfilling life but rather a painful and depressing one. The second is because my life in sobriety is anything but dull. In these last eight years, I have explored and experienced more of myself and my life than I had in the 37 years previous.
Alcoholism is a cunning jailer; it convinced me that life outside its walls would be a life not worth living. It was not until I began to escape its clutches that I realized how captive I had been. The freedom I feel, in every aspect of my life, is the cornerstone of my happiness.
I am at such an exciting place in my life right now. Lots of things are coming to fruition all at once. I am at the end of the medical part of my gender transition. I have made sense of my sexuality and am in a committed relationship with a gorgeous man. I am at the start of launching a freelance writing career, and I have just had my first piece published. I have recently enrolled in my final module with the Open University, and this time next year I will be the proud owner of a degree. I have also been doing some media work with the Open University, as a student ambassador.
All of these things are anything but dull and only possible because I am sober. There is no way the drunk me could have had the enthusiasm or the ability to set up a small business, and I would most certainly not have been asked to be an ambassador!
Recovery has given me the freedom to be me. It has given the freedom to pursue my dreams and the freedom to forgive myself and allow myself to love and be loved. The new happiness which comes from this freedom takes my breath away every single day. I am free now, one day at a time to live the exciting life that alcoholism hid from me for so many years.
Its been a while since I updated about my professional writing progress. And, as you can see by the title of this blog post, I have some rather fantastic news to share!
As a self- employed freelance writer and content creator, it can be too easy to spend my time isolated indoors. However, spending too much time indoors isn’t good for my mental health, or anyone’s mental health for that matter. To give myself a change of scenery, I make an effort to get outside and write in various cafe’s. I thought it might be fun to share some of my favourite writing places with you. Here then, is a cafe review of Deliciously Gorgeous in Eastbourne.
1. If We Are Painstaking About This Phase In Our Development, We Will Be Amazed Before We Are Halfway Through
I wandered over to the beach this afternoon while waiting for my washing to finish its cycle in the launderette. The seafront in Eastbourne has seen me in many physical and mental states, drunk, stoned, lost, depressed and suicidal. Most recently though, it has seen me walking hand in hand with my new partner. Two men with faces fixed in matching ear to ear grins, glowing from the warm high of that new relationship buzz.
Once again, I am having one of those beautiful periods of time where I am overwhelmed with awe and gratitude for the life I have today. I look at this picture, which I shared for #transformationtuesday and I remember the pain I was in. I could never have imagined the life I have today. Which is different in every way possible, mostly thanks to the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous.
I remember sitting in my first Alcoholics Anonymous meeting and hearing, ‘The Promises’ read out.
“If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are halfway through…”
I am 7 years sober, I feel I have areas in my life that still need work. My gender transition and my career for example. My life isn’t perfect, I live hand to mouth, and my Mum is slowly and painfully being stolen from us by vascular dementia. However, despite these things, I have a wonderful life in which I am content and proud. I am not even halfway through, and yes, I am more than amazed.
In these seven years, I have discovered the man I am and stepped forward into that identity with clarity and grace. I have unashamedly embraced living an honest life, even when that honesty meant facing difficult facts about myself. Where once I would run from emotions, using alcohol to numb their razor-sharp edges, I now lay myself bare to even the most painful of emotions.
I have done this because every time I face something rather than run, I am rewarded with a new phase of development. A growth in self-knowledge, a deeper level of self-awareness, and an even more profound sense of contentment and faith in life’s process of unfolding.
Facing my doubts about my sexuality, and my fears about relationships have been a long and confusing road. I am now being rewarded with the arrival of a handsome man in my life who brings me so much joy. Alongside that, being with him has given me even greater confidence in my gender identity and a much deeper understanding of my sexual attraction.
To think I once feared change, and now I welcome it, even when those changes are the least expected. In fact, those changes are the best.
I have lived with social anxiety at varying levels all my life. I have a diagnosis of Generalised Anxiety Disorder (GAD) and anxious/dependent personality disorder. This has improved over recent years. However, I still experience many times where my anxiety levels significantly impact my daily life.
I have been very honest about the fact that I am in the middle of a mental health crisis, one that I am finding very difficult to manage. My usual ways of coping just haven’t been helping. A lot of the time I have been so fatigued I haven’t had the energy to do the simplest of self-care actions.
Recently, I saw the hashtag #365daysofselfcare on Twitter and followed the link to the website Blurt. I decided that this is just what I need right now. It will get my focus back onto my self-care. Posting about it each day will help me to rebuild the habit and keep myself accountable.
Its been two weeks now since I started participating in the daily hashtag and it has indeed been beneficial. I am paying much more attention to taking care of myself and making time for self-care every day. There has also been an additional unexpected outcome of posting daily, it has got me talking about my mental health.
This really shouldn’t be a revelation for me, I write and make videos about my mental health all the time. However, when I write or make a video, I do so after the fact. I do talk very openly, but it is done in retrospect. My sharing is delivered in a reflective and measured way.
In contrast, the daily sharing I am doing with the hashtag on my Instagram and Twitter is raw and uncensored. I am sharing what is happening on that day, at that moment. In posting this way, I have often caught myself thinking, “I sound like I am a right state”, worrying about what people will think of me. Its been a surprise to notice that I still carry shame around my mental health, despite being so open about it.
Shame and stigma is a corrosive side effect of mental illness. It stops people asking for help and puts them more at risk of harm, isolation and worsening overall health. The shame is senseless, its an illness, what is there to feel shame about? Physical and mental health is part of everyone’s everyday life. We don’t shame someone for having a broken leg and tell them to pull themselves together, do we? We help them, supporting them while they heal. The same compassion needs to be extended to those who have mental health problems.
I am so pleased to see so many people and organisations talking openly this week as part of mental health awareness week. This must continue, not just this week but permanently. Living well with and recovering from mental illness, begins with removing the burden of shame.