Reflecting on 2018 | The Best Worst Year Ever

Reflecting is a habit I enjoy and is a key tool for managing my mental health. I find it useful to look back and see where I’ve been, to better understand where I’m going. Reflecting at the end of a year helps me to acknowledge my achievements, big and small. Spending time reflecting in a constructive way,helps me to set new goals for the year ahead. 2018 has been incredibly surprising in many ways. If I were to give 2018 a title, it would be ‘The Best Worst Year Ever.’

Reflecting on the start of the year – Not the best of beginnings

Reflecting on how January 2018 started, it really wasn’t the best of beginnings. Mum had spent the majority of 2017 in and out of the hospital. As she was critically ill and in need of support, I made the decision to move from Devon to Eastbourne. My life turned upside down. My brother and I had made the heart-wrenching decision to move mum out of her warden assisted flat and into a dementia care home. It was clear that Mum would not be able to live safely alone. After a lot of stress, we found a nursing home. In mid-December, Mum moved in.

A Christmas In Hospital

Unfortunately, only a week after moving in, mum became ill again and then needed to return to the hospital. As she was kept in over Christmas, I spent Christmas day feeding her turkey dinner from her hospital bed. NHS staff do an excellent job for Christmas day.

As I couldn’t do anything for Christmas, I decided to gift myself a tidy home. I hadn’t unpacked, and my new flat needed repainting. I spent December and early January unpacking boxes, building furniture and decorating. It was a relief to have a comfortable home again. With all that was going on, I needed a safe space.

January

A Dementia Diagnosis

Mum returned to her nursing home in early January and luckily began to settle. We could now have her assessed at our local memory clinic, where she then received a diagnosis of vascular dementia. Although we had suspected dementia was the cause, having it confirmed was devastating. I had secretly hoped it was hospital delirium and would pass. There was nothing that could be done now, except look after her. Receiving the diagnosis did at least reassure us that we had made the right decision to pack up mums flat and move her into nursing care.

My Physical Health Takes A Decline

Unsurprisingly, I was exhausted and my health was suffering. I had surgery the previous October ( to solve some urinary problems ) but it seemed that similar issues were unfortunately returning. Although It wasn’t as bad as previous times, it was bad enough to tell me that I would likely need another repair. Another repair would mean having to delay the final stage of my gender confirmation surgery yet again.

February

Reflecting On My Self Care – Picking my life back up

My ill health served as a wakeup call. Since moving and with all the stress around mum, I had neglected my health and put my life on hold. I needed to get my routine back. It was time to start building a new life in Eastbourne. I needed to get my social life back, and I wanted to start dating again. The previous summer had been an exciting exploration of my sexuality, but that had stopped because of mum’s health and moving home.

Initially, I had wanted to wait to be in top form before I went back onto dating apps. I couldn’t think of anything positive to say in my bio because, quite honestly, I was a physical and mental wreck! I was exhausted, low and wearing incontinence pads due to my urinary issues. Hardly the catch of the season! However, I knew that being social would likely boost my mood and besides, I have spent too much of my life waiting! I put up an honest bio and began to chat with people online.

March

Hitting a mental health rock bottom

Unfortunately, I then took a turn for the worst. I knew, with all the stress around mum, that my mental health would likely suffer. However, I was not expecting the decline of my mental health to be that intense. My anxiety returned to levels I hadn’t experienced for years and my mood plummeted. Dark thoughts filled my mind. The exhaustion was getting worse too, which confused me. I was constantly sleeping. Sometimes I wasn’t getting out of bed for a week. I spoke to my doctor who increased my antidepressant medication, but it didn’t feel like my usual anxiety burn-out.

Seeking help

Unable to manage my mental health with my usual tools, I tried the help of a counsellor. Eastbourne Carers Centre are an incredible resource, and they arranged six sessions for me. I needed some help to accept mum’s dementia diagnosis and to address my mental health decline.

However, my instinct was also saying that something else was wrong. Of course, the situation with mum and the stress of the last few months would be having an impact. But the way my mental health was presenting was unlike the way it usually did. All the usual self-care tools that I relied upon were suddenly not working.

I frequently expressed my concerns to my doctor who just attributed it to the stress and kept increasing my sertraline dose. Eventually, my doctor referred me to the local mental health team to have things further investigated. I have a history of personality disorder and extreme highs and lows, and perhaps this was returning. It would explain why my mental health wasn’t responding to the usual treatment.

April

Reflecting Leads To A New Awareness

In the meantime, I used my counselling sessions to work on issues as much as I could. I revisited a common frustration, in my inability to return to paid work. During my eight years of recovery, I continually tried to progress from volunteer work into paid work. Unfortunately, my mental health would always get in the way.

I was due to graduate from Open University in 2019, and I had planned to be a therapist, thinking I would be well enough by that point. However, my counsellor helped me to see that I was putting a lot of unrealistic pressure on myself. In eight years, I had taken charge of my mental health recovery, got clean and sober, and was going through gender transition.  Reflecting on this, I could see that expecting to graduate and set up in practice as a therapist wasn’t realistic. I still had a lot of healing to do. I realised that my plan to be a therapist was not going to happen, at least not soon.

Reflecting On My Limitations

It’s funny how you can think you know yourself and then someone points out something glaringly obvious that you had missed. I wasn’t sad about this realisation. Well perhaps a little, but more than anything I was relieved because I hadn’t realised I had been putting so much pressure on myself to get mentally well. Having that massive pressure off my back was a weight lifted.

A New Career Direction

With the pressure gone, space opened for new ideas. I took some time to explore what my passions were, reflecting on how else I might fulfil them. Then, I suddenly realised I was already doing the thing I loved, helping people and inspiring people via my channel and blog. I began to see how turning this into a career could fit so well into my life. Importantly, this wouldn’t require me to wait for this magic time of ‘being well’. I could start now and work around my mental health. Excited, I began to explore options for a career in writing

With this new realisation, I became more able to accept whatever state my mental health presented. Being unable to get out of bed was not as stressful because the pressure to keep getting well so that I could be a counsellor was gone. Despite my mental and physical challenges I continued to write and found it was something I could do regardless. I could draft articles and blog posts from bed in my PJs, or on a better day, in a café. I was able to be productive despite my awful low mood and anxiety, and that gave me great satisfaction. Achieving in this way, helped to offset the feelings of frustration at feeling so physically and mentally unwell.

May

Diagnosis of Hypothyroidism

Despite making changes to my life and taking better care of myself, my physical and mental health continued to decline. I was becoming terrified that there was something seriously wrong with me. In being highly skilled at reflecting on my inner workings, I know myself well, and I knew that whatever was happening, was not usual.

After repeatedly visiting my doctor, at last, I had a blood test. The results showed I had an underactive thyroid. Surprisingly, hypothyroidism can cause high anxiety and low mood. I knew it wasn’t my usual mental health issues!

My doctor started me on 25mg of Levothyroxine. Within just a few weeks I noticed my anxiety decreased and my mood lifted. Additionally, my urinary issues improved. I spoke to my lower surgery consultant, and he confirmed that the thyroid could also cause bladder issues. If my urinary problems were due to hypothyroidism, I might not need another urethra fix after all.

A First Date Becomes A New Romance

Feeling the most positive I had for some time, I pushed forward with my dating mission. I had been talking to a chap on Tinder, and we arranged to meet. We met in Brighton, planning to explore the Brighton fringe festival but we just walked and talked. We instantly hit it off, and many dates followed. At last I had my first gay kiss and it left me dizzy for weeks!

I was only looking to start dating but to my surprise I found a relationship. Additionally, I found confirmation that I am gay. I fell in love with a wonderful man for whom my being trans is not even an issue.

June

First Article Accepted For Publication

Through all the ups, downs, highs and lows, I had continued to experiment with different writing genres. I had been sending pieces out regularly to editors.  In early June, I received my first acceptance email from Narratively magazine! I began working with the editor, to trim and polish the piece ready for publication.

Becoming An Open University Ambassador

Early in the year, the Open University marketing team asked if I would consider taking part in filming. The Open University ran a media campaign and were looking for students with inspiring stories, to take part in their Stdent Diaries Series.

Although scared, I agreed. I knew it would be good for me, and likely for my career too. The crew visited in August, and we had such a fun day filming all over Eastbourne. The worst part was not being able to tell anyone! I had to keep it secret until the Campaign launched.

July

Filming at ‘Gays The Word’ Bookshop for Pan McMillan BookBreak

Filming seemed to become a theme from then on. Emma from Book Break asked if I could join other YouTubers to discuss our favourite LGBTQ books for Pride month. I jumped at the chance. Having only ever seen Gays The Word bookshop in the move Pride, it was amazing to visit it. To see so many LGBTQ books in one place was inspiring.

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Meeting other YouTubers was fantastic. It made me think that I would like to attend more gatherings like this and connect with people who understand the odd life of filming yourself and putting yourself online!

August

Making my Debut on Channel four

At last, the Open University ‘What’s Stopping You’ campaign launched, and I could spill the secret! I received so many messages from people who had seen the videos on the internet and channel four. It was bizarre but fantastic to see myself on TV!

Having My First Article published

After working with Lilly, the editor at Narratively, my article was polished and ready. Having it released was thrilling and affirmed that I could indeed write! Since then, I have had other articles accepted and published, such as in Anaphase Magazine and on The Mighty. I am now a contributor on The Mighty too.

Completing My Gender Transition

Earlier in the year, I had received a date for my lower surgery. However, I couldn’t feel any emotions about it. Reflecting on this, I think I was blocking it out because I was still unsure if it would be the final stage, or if they would find a urethral issue to fix. I also wasn’t sure it would go ahead due to my fluctuating thyroid hormone levels.

It did go ahead, and I remained optimistic but realistic. However, much to my surprise, I awoke to find I had stage three! There were no urethral problems, and all had gone well. It took me a few weeks to process that this was the end of my gender transition journey.

September

Taking Part in The Alzheimer’s Society Memory walk

September was a quiet month. Chris and I took part in a memory walk, a very short walk due to my surgery recovery. However, it was a fantastic boost to meet others with family members affected by dementia. It also empowered me to feel as if I could at least do something to help mum and others like her. We raised a good chunk of money too!

October

Mental Health Awareness Day with Anna Richardson

More opportunities sprang out from working as an Open University Ambassador. Working alongside Anna Richardson again, we spoke about mental health across various radio stations. Speaking pushed me out of my comfort zone. However, the feedback I received was incredible. I did well, and I loved it!

November

Public Speaking For The Open University

As if speaking on the radio wasn’t brave enough, I also spoke at a conference! The Open University marketing team attended a lecturer’s conference to talk about their media campaign. I joined them and spoke about my role as an ambassador.

I loved being on stage. Despite the nerves, I enjoy giving inspirational talks. I was complimented on my ability too. I realise this is something I would like to incorporate into my career in freelance.

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Moving towards Self-Employment

Having recovered well from surgery, I felt ready to move forward with my new career goals.

Reflecting on the year thus far, I had achieved so much in a short time. My writing had increased. I had added many articles to my blog and had a couple more published. Despite my thyroid still being an issue, I had managed to work around it. I was confident that my instinct was right. I was able to work if I could have the flexibility to schedule each day around my health issues.

Additionally, the opportunities opening in speaking and filming confirmed that I must be on the right path.

Feeling confident, I approached my work coach at the job centre. I told her I was ready to explore my options of Self-Employment and be referred to the New Enterprise Allowance.

December

Our First Holiday To Fuerteventura

Chris and I fell for each other so quickly. We both worked hard to remain sensible and balanced, while still enjoying the excitement. We did, however, allow ourselves to book a holiday, after only being together for a couple of months. The risk paid off, thankfully!

Christmas was to be a tough time with mum. Although mum is stable, she has declined rapidly, and I  feel the loss of who she was. Having a holiday in December took my mind off it. It was beautiful to spend a week away, to laugh, to relax in the sun, and to explor new places together. I fell even more in love with Chris over that week.

Approved for the New Enterprise Allowance

On returning to England (boo!), I attended an appointment for the NEA.  I presented my business plan for consideration. My business idea was well received and complimented by my mentor. I felt much relief to see someone else as excited as I am about my new business! I received approval by email shortly after.

I am now officially self-employed and available for hire!

Over the year ahead, I will have support to develop my business and gradually withdraw from Universal Credit support payments

What a year 2018 has been!

Reflecting on 2018 whilst writing this, has made me smile with joy and disbelief. To think how awful the beginning of the year was. All I hoped for, was for mum to settle and for my health to improve. Not for one second, did I think I would reach the end of the year having completed my gender transition, fallen in love and started my own business!

My life continually teaches me to trust that tough times pass. And not only do things pass but also, out of chaos comes clarity and reason. From rock bottom comes a firm new foundation on which to build.

There have been so many special moments this year, and all of them have been made more special for being so surprising! I have met new friends and been reunited with old ones and I have met Chris’ family and friends. There have been concerts and festivals, laughter and love abound. There is so much to be grateful for that it is impossible to list!

Thank you to all who have travelled this year with me. Sharing the lows and the highs are what makes my life unique and meaningful. It has been especially enjoyable to share my incredible growth and new direction with someone I love and who loves me in return.

This year really has been The Best Worst Year Ever!

Wishing you all a wonderful New Year, may 2019 bring you much peace and joy! See you soon for a ‘New Year New Goals’ update!

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