Managing Grief | 10 Grateful Memories of Mum

It has been a year now since my mum passed away. It’s hard to believe it has been that long because it feels like only yesterday. I don’t feel like I have processed the loss at all. I feel in many ways still very much in limbo with my mum’s passing. The intensity of the grief has decreased, but the weight of it remains the same. Now, it is all about managing grief.

Managing Grief At One Year After Losing Mum

In the early months of dealing with the loss of my mum, people told me of the ball in the box analogy. If you are not familiar, the concept is that the ball (the grief) initially is so large that it easily strikes a pain button inside the box. Over time, the ball diminishes, hits the pain button less frequently, and becomes easier to carry.

Personally, managing grief to me feels more like I’m standing neck-deep in water. In the early days of grieving, the ocean was filled with surging waves and I had to keep gasping for air, standing on tiptoes just to save myself from drowning. Now, the ocean is calmer, there are less stormy days and its just every other wave which suddenly hits my face and leaves me floundering for breath. I’m still standing on tiptoes though, just to keep on breathing and I cannot relax, for fear of being engulfed by the waves again.

Processing and Managing Grief

I know grief takes time. A year is no time at all with grief, I know that too. And, I also know that what I am feeling is normal, understandable and expected. I know the stages of processing and managing grief. And I also know its never the case of getting over it but instead learning to live with it. But still, there should be some processing of it, and that’s where I feel stuck.

Usually, I come to understand and process my thoughts through my writing, or vlogging. With the loss of mum, apart from a couple of blog posts in early days and a brief vlog catch up before Christmas, I have not been able to get my feelings down on paper or in words. It all feels stuck.

Dealing With Complex Emotions in Managing Grief

I also think there are a lot of complex emotions knotted in with the grief, which is making it hard to process and manage the grief. I had only rebuilt my relationship with my mum a few years before her passing.

With my gender transition, we had rebuilt a relationship as mother and son, and it was one I wholeheartedly cherished. I’d let go of a lot of resentments from the past, and in that acceptance, I found a mum who I loved very much, and I knew loved me in turn.

Mum died just at the end of my gender transition, at a time when my life is now taking off in every way possible and it breaks my heart that I can’t share this all with her. This is compounded by the fact that I also lost my dad many years ago when I was just 13 years old. Now, to be without any parents when in so many ways my life is just beginning feels utterly devastating. 

I don’t think it helps, that I have no one to talk to about my mum. Of course, I have plenty of incredible friends I can share my sadness with, but no one to share memories of my mum’s life. I have very few family members and the few family members I do have live far away and I’m not close with. What I would love, more than anything would be to sit with someone and reminisce about mum’s life. I think the lack of ability to do this, makes it feel like mum has been completely erased from life in every way possible and that is just too much to bear.

Remembering Mum. Managing Grief Through Gratitude

Today then, I wanted to write down some thoughts, as a way of talking about Mum and sharing about my mum’s life. And I want to do this as a gratitude list, of all the things about Mum and my relationship, which I am the most grateful for.

1. Making My Amends with Mum

I am grateful that I am in recovery and have access to the incredible program in Alcoholics Anonymous. In recovery, I came to see my own part in my unhappy past. I came to realize that parents are people first, and not immune to making mistakes. Just as I wanted to be forgiven for my mistakes, I too needed to forgive my mum for hers. Letting go of the past and changing my attitude to it, meant that I was able to change my relationship with my mum.  In letting go, and loving mum for exactly who she is, we developed a beautiful, loving, appreciative relationship for which I am eternally grateful.

2. Mum Witnessing My Recovery

I put my mum through hell worrying about me. For years I drank, took drugs, went missing, fell apart, made reckless decisions and generally exploded all over life! I am so grateful that Mum saw me enter recovery and get clean and sober and finally begin to turn my life around.

3. Mum Accepting Me as Her Son

Coming out as transgender was the most terrifying event of my life. I was so scared that, like so many trans people, I might face being disowned by my family. My dear mum did not even bat an eyelid when I came out! She was just relieved that I finally knew the cause of all the pain I had been feeling. All she wanted was her child to be happy and if going through transition would do that, then she was right beside me.

Right from the start, mum began to refer to me as her son, and her pride in me and my decision was evident. For her to love me so unconditionally and accept me so readily as her son, is the greatest gift I have ever received.

4. Building Treasured Memories

Most of us, at one time or another, have spent time with our folks and been relieved to escape because they drive us spare! Mum was no exception; she could be hard work at times. However, I am now so grateful for all the times I spent with her, even those where she drove me crazy. The last few Christmas before dementia arrived, I chose to spend them with my Mum and now I am so glad that I did. Those Christmases are now my most treasured memories.

5. Capturing Mum on Video

One of the most wonderful things about sharing my life on YouTube is that I have a ton of footage of mum. I have so many amazing, funny and inspiring videos of Mum. I am so grateful that I can relive some of our most special moments together through my videos. One of my favorites, is when Mum met my partner Chris for the first time. Although dementia had taken hold, she was still able to tell me that ‘He’ll do!’

6. Mum Is Known and Loved by Many

I was thinking the other day, that I do have people to talk about Mum’s life with. I have the Finn Fam. Members of the Finn Fam (My YouTube subscriber family) have watched mum on my channel for years. I only realized this the other day, when someone commented about remembering something mum had said. It hit home just how many people knew her through my channel and how widely she is loved. Realizing this has brought me so much comfort and joy. How incredibly special that she will continue to be watched and seen by old and new Finn Fam members.

7. Mum Staring In a Channel 4 Advert

Not many people get to say that their mum also lives on through a TV advert! Well, my mum has her minute of fame, in my Channel 4 advert that I featured in as part of being an Ambassador for the Open University. Ok, it’s only a tiny bit, but her line ‘bloody brilliant’ is a classic, and it is remembered by many and recounted to me often! I’m so grateful for these ways that mum lives on. Scroll through to 4.11 on the advert to see my beautiful mum in all her glory!

8. Moving to Eastbourne to Be Close to Mum

When it became clear that Mum had dementia, I felt torn about what to do. I had only recently moved to Devon and was starting a whole new life. However, my instincts were telling me that I needed to be close to Mum.

Choosing to move back to Eastbourne was not an easy choice, but I knew it was right, I wanted to be there for her, and support her. Mum had given me such a gift in her accepting me as her son and now I wanted to support her too, in whatever way I could.

This now is a decision I am so glad I made. Being able to care for my mum at her most vulnerable, to make sure she was safe and as comfortable as possible, and to get as much time with her as I could before she left us, is a gift I treasure. 

9. Making Mum Part of My Commemorative Tattoo

Having my phoenix tattoo created was made extra special by having Mums’ ashes added to the ink. The phoenix was originally chosen to mark the end of my gender transition. With my mum passing, just after my completion, it made perfect sense to me, that the tattoo also served as a memorial to Mum. I have this amazing resilient body because of my mum. She made me, and I have inherited her ability to keep on surviving despite many health challenges. The tattoo honors her gift of life to me, and symbolically she is reborn through me.

10. Mum Lives on Through Me

Years ago, I would have cringed had you told me I’m like my Mother! However, now I feel as proud as anything when I hear that! I hear mum in so many things I say. I see Mum when I look in the mirror, and when I try to tame my inherited unruly hair. That Mum lives on in me and through me, is a wonderful thing to remember and helps a great deal with managing the grief.

Thank you for sharing mum with me today as you read this. Thank you for listening, and for helping me to keep her alive.

Love you Mum. Always. Your Son xxx

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