Mum and her sons sharing a kiss and a smile

Mum has gone. I can’t say that D-word. I don’t want to acknowlwdge it’s happened. I’m not sure what to say, but I need to say something. I need to talk, I need to vent, but I keep finding my mouth empty of words. Devoid of any sensible words at least. Forgive me then if what follows is not pretty or organised in any logical sense.

Mum passed away last Saturday, the 2nd of February. She passed in such a peaceful way. I am relieved it was not a fight at the end but instead a dignified surrender. Even more importantly, I am grateful that Mum passed with Mark and me by her side, supported by our partners Kirsty and Chris.

I received the call in the afternoon on Saturday. Mum seemed to have a chest infection and she was taken by abulance to the hospital. Unfortunately, this is nothing new with mum. Among her many illnesses (stroke, heart disease, epilepsy, Addison’s disease and vascular dementia) mum has been plagued with many chest infections.

On arrival at the hospital, the doctor took me to one side. He then told me that his opinion was that Mum was dying. They could use an oxygen machine to clear her lungs (something she has had before) but it would likely be very uncomfortable for her. He felt, under the circumstances and because she had a DNR (do not resuscitate) in place, it may be better to make her comfortable and let nature decide.

Our Mum the Duracell Bunny

I wasn’t shocked to hear those words, for two reasons. The first is that we’ve been there many times with mum over the years and the second is that mum bounces back every time. My Brother and I call her the Duracell bunny because of her incredible staying power, resilience and ability to survive her many illnesses. This time though, our Duracell bunny wound down and stopped drumming.

Mum, snug as a bug in a rug

I shouldn’t feel shocked, this has been a long time coming, but I think I believed Mum would bounce back again. She did briefly, just before Mark arrived, mums’ stats levelled out, and the nurse called her the comeback queen. Then, gradually all the numbers slowly counted down to zero.

I Don’t Want Mum to Go

Everyone keeps saying that Mum is at peace now and that I can take comfort in that. Mum suffered her entire life, mentally and physically and I agree, she deserves the peace. It is also a blessing that only a year after receiving her most recent diagnosis of vascular dementia, she passed before hitting the really awful stages of cognitive impairment. However, it is also incredibly unfair that she was so young still at 74. Had she not suffered so much with ill health, she may have had many more years of life to live.

Mum and son sharing a cup of tea and a smile

It is also unfair that I only recently developed a relationship with mum. We began rebuilding our relationship in 2010 when I entered recovery. I understood, properly for the first time, that parents are human and make mistakes. I let go of the past, and over the years since then, we have built a new connection and shared many beautiful times together. Over this last year especially, I have fallen in love with Mum on such a deep level. I think seeing her at her most innocent and vulnerable, revealed a Mum I had not seen before.

A Mix Of Emotions

My heart feels as if it is burning a hole through the core of my being and that it is going to get so big it will suck me into it. The strangest thing is that there is also bittersweet gratitude alongside the grief. The gratitude arises because experiencing this much pain at the loss of mum, in turn, means love was abundant. This heartache is only possible because of the healing of our relationship.

I’m in limbo. It feels like Groundhog Day. When I’m awake, I can’t believe Mums gone, and when I wake up from sleep, I remember she has. The remembering punches me in the gut so hard it leaves me breathless.

Honouring and Celebrating Mum

Mums funeral is next Tuesday the 19th of Feb. I know that a lot of people who follow me here and on my YouTube channel have a lot of love for her and that gives us all great comfort.

We have created a tribute page for mum which you can find here. Mum requested donations to the Stroke Association rather than flowers and my brother and I added The Alzheimers society. If you would like to make a donation in her memory that would be wonderful, or if you simply want to look at the pictures and remember her, that’s wonderful too.

Thank You for Your Incredible Kindness

Mum has passed away.  Thank you for all these wonderful cards and messages

I have received so many kind messages, words of support and beautiful cards and I want to say thank you to you all for that. I am not great at replying right now (I know you understand), but I want you to know how much it means to be in your thoughts.

Well there we are, I have at last said something. I’m not sure I have said what I wanted to say, or indeed what I needed to say, but it’s a start.

Thank you for listening, I will update when I can.

Love and light

Finn