Mum has gone. I can’t say that D-word. I don’t want to
Mum passed away last Saturday, the 2nd of February. She passed in such a peaceful way. I am relieved it was not a fight at the end but instead a dignified surrender. Even more importantly, I am grateful that Mum passed with Mark and me by her side, supported by our partners Kirsty and Chris.
I received the call in the afternoon on Saturday. Mum seemed to have a chest infection and she was taken by
On arrival at the hospital, the doctor took me to one side. He then told me that his opinion was that Mum was dying. They could use an oxygen machine to clear her lungs (something she has had before) but it would likely be very uncomfortable for her. He felt, under the circumstances and because she had a DNR (do not resuscitate) in place, it may be better to make her comfortable and let nature decide.
Our Mum the Duracell Bunny
I wasn’t shocked to hear those words, for two reasons. The first is that we’ve been there many times with mum over the years and the second is that mum bounces back every time. My Brother and I call her the Duracell bunny because of her incredible staying power, resilience and ability to survive her many illnesses. This time though, our Duracell bunny wound down and stopped drumming.
I shouldn’t feel shocked, this has been a long time coming, but I think I believed Mum would bounce back again. She did briefly, just before Mark arrived, mums’ stats levelled out, and the nurse called her the comeback queen. Then, gradually all the numbers slowly counted down to zero.
I Don’t Want Mum to Go
Everyone keeps saying that Mum is at peace now and that I can take comfort in that. Mum suffered her entire life, mentally and physically and I agree, she deserves the peace. It is also a blessing that only a year after receiving her most recent diagnosis of vascular dementia, she passed before hitting the really awful stages of cognitive impairment. However, it is also incredibly unfair that she was so young still at 74. Had she not suffered so much with ill health, she may have had many more years of life to live.
It is also unfair that I only recently developed a relationship with mum. We began rebuilding our relationship in 2010 when I entered recovery. I understood, properly for the first time, that parents are human and make mistakes. I let go of the past, and over the years since then, we have built a new connection and shared many beautiful times together. Over this last year especially, I have fallen in love with Mum on such a deep level. I think seeing her at her most innocent and vulnerable, revealed a Mum I had not seen before.
A Mix Of Emotions
My heart feels as if it is burning a hole through the core of my being and that it is going to get so big it will suck me into it. The strangest thing is that there is also bittersweet gratitude alongside the grief. The gratitude arises because experiencing this much pain at the loss of mum, in turn, means love was abundant. This heartache is only possible because of the healing of our relationship.
I’m in limbo. It feels like Groundhog Day. When I’m awake, I can’t believe Mums gone, and when I wake up from sleep, I remember she has. The remembering punches me in the gut so hard it leaves me breathless.
Honouring and Celebrating Mum
Mums funeral is next Tuesday the 19th of Feb. I know that a lot of people who follow me here and on my YouTube channel have a lot of love for her and that gives us all great comfort.
We have created a tribute page for mum which you can find here. Mum requested donations to the Stroke Association rather than flowers and my brother and I added The Alzheimers society. If you would like to make a donation in her memory that would be wonderful, or if you simply want to look at the pictures and remember her, that’s wonderful too.
Thank You for Your Incredible Kindness
I have received so many kind messages, words of support and beautiful cards and I want to say thank you to you all for that. I am not great at replying right now (I know you understand), but I want you to know how much it means to be in your thoughts.
Well there we are, I have at last said something. I’m not sure I have said what I wanted to say, or indeed what I needed to say, but it’s a start.
Thank you for listening, I will update when I can.
Love and light
Finn
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It is so heart warming that if the circumstances had to be this way, then it allowed you and Mark to be there. I’m sure Mum would have wanted her sons to be by her side. It’s really not time to say goodbye to Mum. She is one of the most significant and meaningful people in your life. She’s your Mother, and it sounds like you want her around for as long as you can, and there is nothing wrong in that. Life dished up this horrible circumstance, but it doesn’t mean you have to process this in the way… Read more »
Thanks so much Mich, yes people mean well, and they are right, dementia is hell and Mum is at peace, but I am not and so right now, it is actually of little comfort. I just feel robbed more than anything. Its part of the process, I seem to be finding a way to write about it now, which is stating to help. The biggest help is how many people knew and loved mum through my videos. Im so grateful for all the footage I have of her. I will share more soon. Thank you for being so lovely, for… Read more »
You and Mum had a really great connection, and you still do. You loved being around each other and enjoyed each others company when you visited Eastbourne before you moved there. It was too early for her to go, I hear you. I really look forward to seeing more footage of Mum when you’re ready. And for now the most important thing is that you feel as comfortable as can be, considering. Reply to people when you’re ready and in your own time, Sweet. It’s all good x x x x
I lost my mother a year ago in much the same way. She, too, was 74 and plagued with dementia and other physical ailments. Prayers for you and your brother at this very hard time. You will navigate through it. I’ve found healing in writing about my mom. I hope you will, too.
Thank you so much. I’m sorry to hear about your mum too. Writing and making videos is how l make sense of things and l hope, now that lve managed to write something, I’ll be able process the loss of mum through it.
Thank you so much. I a so sorry to hear about your Mum too. Im finally starting to be able to write again, here and in my diaries, and that is indeed beginning to help.