I am a huge advocate of taking time for self-reflection. Self-reflection, when done in a balanced way, is highly beneficial for our mental health. Moving into a new year is one of my favorite times to reflect. I enjoy looking back on all the experiences I have had, and all the things I have achieved. Let us travel back through 2019 together!
Why I Take Time To Reflect
Looking back on events, achievements and occasions can help us to see all the good in our lives and feel gratitude. Additionally, by reflecting on our lives, we can take note of all we have achieved and overcome and give ourselves the praise we deserve. Self-reflection also helps us to look at what we might like to change or continue, as we move forward. Recently, I wrote a blog reflecting on my business and writing achievements. Therefore, in this blog, I am going to concentrate (mostly) on more general and personal events.
January
New Year Laughter
New Year 2019 started with lots to smile and laugh about. At last, mum had settled into her nursing home. The wonderful nurses and staff had got into a rhythm with mum and how to work best with her. This meant that a huge weight was lifted from my shoulders, in knowing mum was in such good hands.
It was still hard to visit and to see the Mum I knew so changed. But, there were also many laughs and many lucid moments that brought us all a ton of joy. Including one that I captured on camera, where she told us all of her new job, as a ‘polisher’!
February
Saying Goodbye to Mum
It seems that Mum’s wonderful lucid moments the previous month had been our final chance to connect with her because, on the 2nd of February, Mum passed away.
I had been expecting it, Mum has been ill in one way or another since I was young. However, with each health crisis, she would bounce back ( bless our Duracell bunny) so I never really thought it would happen. This time, however, she surprised us all when after another chest infection, she left us.
March
Discovering New Strengths in My Romantic Relationship
The months that followed were the scariest mental health times l have had for a long time, I sank lower than I imagined I would, and old behaviors threatened to resurface. This is another example though, of how the worst of times, can lead to new realizations, growth, and opportunities.
During my crisis, I became acutely aware of the strength of mine and my partners’ relationship. Chris and I hadn’t even been together a year and he had never seen me mentally unwell. Suddenly, Chris was faced with a boyfriend who had lost all ability to act rationally, and I know I terrified him many times with my behavior.
I struggled, not just with the grief, but also with trusting Chris with the version of me that was losing touch with reality. I had been single for a long time before we met. In my time being single, I had finally moved away from my old co-dependent thinking. I had learned to be self-dependant and to take responsibility for myself. In suddenly sliding into despair and needing help, I equally became terrified of reverting into old patterns of relating.
However, I learned a valuable lesson during my grief, of the middle road, of interdependency. In seeing Chris’s patience, his belief that I was going to come out on the other side, I gradually found my way back to the world. On my return, I found renewed trust and an even greater love between us.
April
Moving In With Chris
Two of the biggest stressful events in life, are the death of a loved one and moving to a new house. Therefore, my judgment to move, not long after mum dies, may not have seemed the wisest decision! However, this move was slightly different as it was to move in with Chris.
Chris had moved to Eastbourne a while back, just around the corner from me. We were living between our two flats because we thought we should wait until we had been together for a while longer to move in. However, losing mum made me see that life is too short to worry about things. If something feels right, do it.
Both Chris and I knew, within hours of being with each other, that this was a long term thing. By the time my tenancy was up in April, we had been together 11 months and we knew that now was as good a time as any. Chris and I had got so much closer since losing mum and any doubts and fears I had, about losing my independence, vanished. All I wanted was us to make a home together. So, despite the move being stressful, as any moves are! It was lovely to join our lives officially.
May
Life Milestones: Debuting on Channel 5!
By April, although not yet back to my old self and still grieving, positive events helped to raise my spirits. As most of you know, for a while now I’ve been working as an ambassador for the Open University. In 2018 my student diary advert went live across social media and on channel 4. Well, as the advert campaign was so successful, they decided to make a new run of it on Channel 5! Who wouldn’t be over the moon to say their advert has been on channel 4 and channel 5!
As a thank you for taking part, we Ambassador were invited to sky studios for an exclusive tour. Chris was invited too, which was wonderful, to share such a special day together.
Further Adventures in Fuerteventura
Chris and I returned to Fuerteventura in May. We both love this island so much, there are so many wonderful unspoiled places to see. This was a very welcome break in the sun, which helped to lift my spirits and to make the grief of mum feel a little less of a burden. I still have a ton of footage that I haven’t sorted out from this holiday. I shall be putting that together as soon as possible, but here is a little taster for now.
Personal Growth – Student Shadowing and Expanding my Comfort Zone
Before Mum passed away, I had been due to take part in a Student Shadowing scheme at The Open University. I, of course, put this on hold for a while. In May, I was offered the chance to do the shadowing, alongside the Change Agents conference that was happening at the main Open University campus
I had applied for the shadowing experience, as l am always looking to learn new skills. Besides, with my business being all about entrepreneurship, I felt learning about media and marketing might help me. However, I was not expecting the day to turn out as it did, with me interviewing people! Whilst I love filming, its usually just me on camera, so I was incredibly nervous! I am so glad that Rehana trusted my abilities and encouraged this because I loved the day and learned so much. I will let you be the judge of how well l did! You can see the videos of my experience here.
June
Getting Back in Touch With My Emotions
Folks that know me well, know that for me Glastonbury is not a hedonistic blowout but a spiritual retreat. The 2019 festival was even more special as l began, at last, to thaw out from the numbing effects of sertraline.
After months of not being able to cry, finally, throughout the festival, the tears arrived. This was incredibly welcome and a huge release. You can read more of my experience, and how Glastonbury is so special for me here.
July
Connecting and Growing with LGBT Friends
I count myself very lucky to be part of the LGBT community. We all have a very special bond, I feel, created in our common struggles and unique experiences. I feel especially blessed to be part of our incredible transgender community.
One of the most wonderful things about being a trans man is going through a second puberty together! Each year, at Trans Pride Brighton, we all get to meet up and swap stories. It gives me so much joy to see how we have all grown up and become at peace in ourselves. Trans Pride Brighton 2019 was extra special, as it was the first time many of my friends met Chris. It was also Chris’s first Trans pride and seeing him so moved made me fall even more in love with him. I am lucky to have him as my partner, and as a strong alley for our community
Truck Music Festival
Contrary to what the name suggests, this is not about trucks! Truck Festival is a small-ish music festival in Oxfordshire. I stopped attending it when I moved away from Oxford but began to return a couple of years ago, to catch up with old friends. It was a lovely chilled out weekend and we had amazing weather.
Exploring New Places – Our Valencia Holiday
Chris and I ventured off on holiday again. Goodness, we sound like proper jet setters! Although this was a very cheaply priced budget holiday because we stayed at a friend of Chris’s. A couple of his friends have a property in Casinos and they have converted a log cabin as a holiday let. You can find the letting on Airbnb. I really recommend their place, and I recommend AirBnB too. I always use Airbnb when I travel and have found some great bargains to stay in. If you book a place through my link, we both get money off!
August
August held a special anniversary for me, as I marked 9 years sober. I am so grateful that I found the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. Without my sobriety, I would not be writing this wonderful list of achievements and experiences.
September
Marking The End of My Gender Transition and A Memorial to Mum
For those who follow my gender transition, you will know that 2018 marked the end of my gender transition. As a way to mark the end, I planned to have a phoenix tattoo on my arm graft. This would not only symbolize the end of my transition but also serve to cover my phalloplasty arm scar.
Soon after mum died I heard some news that got the tattoo ball rolling again. I cannot for the life of me remember where I hear or read it, but I found out it was possible to put ashes in a tattoo. I instantly knew this is what I wanted to do. What a wonderful way to mark completing my transition and honor my mum’s memory. I’m reborn and so is my mum through me.
October
Taking Part in Student Hub Live at The Open University
In September, I was invited to the Open University again, to take part in Student Hub live. This was also something I had to put off earlier when mum passed away. The day was another chance to expand my comfort zone as I was invited not only to take part but also to do some behind the scenes filming.
Another unexpected outcome was meeting an old school friend! Talk about it being a small world, there we were chatting, and suddenly realized we had been in the same school many years ago! This was one of those moments which caught my breath and made me realize how much I have changed. Despite the dramatic external changes, the most profound of my changes are actually the internal ones, as the result of going through my gender transition.
Re-Starting My Final Open University Module
Another thing I had put on hold when mum died, was my Open University studies. Flexibility is one of the most amazing things about the OU, allowing me to adjust my studies around my mental health needs. In October, I finally restarted my studies, After swapping from a psychology degree to an Open Degree, my final module is now A363 Advanced Creative Writing.
November
Career Achievements – My debut on the TEDx stage!
November held the crowning glory of the year as I took to the stage to deliver my TEDx Open University talk! I still cannot believe this happened, considering where I started at the beginning of the year!
I am incredibly pleased with how the presentation went. This was a huge achievement professionally, as I continue to develop my freelance writing and speaking business. However, this was a massive personal achievement too because it highlighted just how far I have come. As we enter 2020 it’s not only a new year but also a new decade. To think of where I was ten years ago. To imagine me on that stage. Wow, I could never have imagined it. This shows that it truly is possible, for anyone to change their lives and achieve their dreams.
December
An Alternative Christmas in Marrakech
I knew that the first Christmas after losing mum was going to be difficult. For that reason, Chris and I planned ahead, and in the summer we grabbed a bargain winter holiday so that we could spend Christmas abroad. We chose Marrakech, as we felt that would be the least festive-themed!
We had some amazing experiences and I am yet to create vlogs on this. However, what I want to note here in my review, is how well I managed my anxiety in some very stressful situations.
If you have ever been to Marrakech, you will know that the sales pitch is intense! We were followed, shouted at and grabbed so often! I was terrified on several occasions. However, I dealt with it surprisingly well. I’m lucky with Chris, he never steps in and takes over. He knows I have anxiety but he respects that I like to be treated the same as anyone else and only steps in when I ask. Well, I realized, that although my anxiety is still alive and kicking, my word I have some incredible skills no to manage it! I look forward to sharing some more details with you on this later n the month.
Business Achievements- Ending The Year with A Book Deal!
I didn’t think things could get much more exciting than standing on the TEDx stage, but l was wrong! Mid December l received an email from an editor, at Jessica Kingsley Publishers to ask if l was working on anything. Well, as many of you know, I have been writing my memoirs for some time now.
Part of my business plan was to self-publish my first memoir, which charts my lower surgery journey. I had pushed these plans back a little so that I could concentrate on my TEDx talk. I had also had a few doubts, about whether self-publishing was the right path. So, when I received the email it felt like a sign!
I decided to put in a proposal, as suggested. Then, shortly afterward, I received a reply to say they would love to commission my book! I am absolutely over the moon. What a wonderful way to end the year and mark the start of a new year and a new adventure!
2019 In A Nutshell – The Year Of Many New Doors!
Looking back on 2019, if I were to title it, it would likely be something on the lines of, ‘The Year With Many New Doors!’ There was a theme of many new doors opening to reveal new experiences, ideas, and opportunities. As they say, when one door closes, another opens and I can see the evidence of this in 2019.
These new doors opened, in part due to a gigantic door shutting when I lost Mum. Mum left me a bit of money, not a life-changing amount by any means, but enough to subsidize me whilst I concentrated on building my business. You see, when I moved in with Chris in April, I lost all of my social security benefits. Mum’s money meant I could pay my overheads, and contribute at least in part to our flat, whilst not yet earning much money in my business. I feel it was Mum’s parting gift and her way of supporting and believing in me and all I do. Thank you, Mum.
A Massive Thank you and A Happy New Year for 2020!
As we now step into 2020, I want to say a massive thank you, to all of those who have followed my journey over the years, on my Youtube channel, and on here in my blog. The Finn Fam continues to grow at an incredible rate and I feel so humbled!
I love sharing my experiences with you all. And, I love that my content reaches and benefits such a wide range of people, what a gift that is, to know I bring value to people’s lives. I cannot wait to share this new chapter with you and to share our experiences as we all move forward in writing our incredible personal stories in the year ahead.
Hello! My name is Finn and I have a passion for creating honest content, that inspires personal growth and promotes well-being.
Buy my Phalloplasty memoir here.
If you enjoy my content and want to say thanks, become a Friend of Finn and get bonus perks!
*Please note, this blog contains affiliate links which means when you buy through me. I may make a little commission. However, this is of no extra cost to you, and I only recommend products that I have personally found helpful.
[…] enough, and very unlike me, I didn’t actually set any goals for 2020. I did complete my 2019 review, and I was about to list some 2020 goals when the coronavirus pandemic arrived. Then it seemed […]
[…] The Year Compass is a detailed reflection workbook that is available for free download. I have used the year compass for a few years now and it’s my favorite way to end a year and start a new one. […]
[…] As a place to record achievements and life reviews […]
[…] I reviewed my progress so far, looking at what I had achieved and how I might proceed forward in achieving my sustainability goal. Most long-term members of our Finn Family will know that I have been writing the memoirs of my […]
This was really interesting to read! I love the range of posts, there is really something for everyone. Thank you for sharing your suggestions too, great post!
It was perfect the first time. This is very really unique helpful information. I learn so much from you as well! Keep it up.
Ah I am very pleased to hear that, thank you so much!
Wow your story is inspiring.
Dealing with these losses can really derail a man, but I liked how you forged on.
And your efforts weren’t in vain. Everything turned out alright.
I’ve learned a lot. Thanks for this post.
I’m sorry about your mom. May her soul rest in peace. But congrats on your achievements especially your book deal.
Thank you very much for your kindness. I have learned the power of perseverance! Thanks for your kind comments
I learnt so much about you through this post. I empathize with you about your mum, and I actually smiled wide every time I read about an accomplishment. You’ve had a really good 2019, in the later times, and I’m so glad you got that. And congratulations on the book deal, and TEDx talk, and moving in together!! I hope your 2020 is just as, if not more, bright and full of progress.
Such a lovely comment, thank you so much! Yes, it was a sad year, but also a lot to celebrate, that’s life though isn’t it! Up and down!
I’m sorry you lost your mom. I dread that stage of my life. (Mine is 63.) But otherwise sounds like a lot of great things happened in 2020. Looking forward to reading your memoir!
Thank you so much, and yes, its so hard when we face losing our mums. Im not sure I will ever get over it, though it is feeling less intense than it was. Grief is hard
Thank you so much for sharing. I can’t believe how similar our story is. I lost my Mum after a very short battle with cancer in 2018. I’d also been with my partner for about 9 months when she was diagnosed and I’d not long moved in with him. It tested our relationship at such a young age but he proposed to me just before my mum passed. I’m so pleased she knew I was happy. Losing her was and still is the hardest thing I’ve had to cope with and I ride the waves of grief regularly. Sending you… Read more »
Thank you for your lovely comments. I’m so sorry you lost your mum too, it’s just so hard isn’t it? I can feel ok, then a wave of remembering hits and my heart burns with sadness. Christmas was so hard, so many happy families, I couldn’t cope! Heading overseas was our best idea! How funny how similar our year has been!Congratulations on getting engaged, how lovely that your mum got to see that first. Sending you a ton of love and understanding.
Hey Finn,
I am so sorry for your loss earlier this year. This post was incredible, I am happy to hear you have accomplished so many of your goals for 2019. I wish you the best of luck in 2020.
Thank you so much for your kind words. Yes, from awful beginnings, came great things! Usually the way isn’t it! Thank you so much, and a very happy new year to you!